2006-02-24, 8:14 p.m.
I feel really shitty. I took some ephedra to prepare for going out to dinner and I didn't even end up going to dinner. Now I just feel nauseous and shakey. Instead of giving me energy, ephedra always makes me really tired but unable to sleep. Last time I took ephedra I had to take 5 sleeping pills, and I even had trouble sleeping with that. I think I'm going to take 6 soon. The only plus side is that I don't feel like bingeing tonight.
Anyway. I feel like I'm growing a lot these past few weeks. Maybe it's because I'm taking my prozac consistently but I usually feel pretty okay. I also think I'm finally coming clean about a lot of things and being honest with myself. I realize I was trying to cop out of treatment by saying, "I'm hopeless. This is hopeless. I might as well give up. There is nothing I can do." I actually believed it, but I was just trying to make exusces why it was okay to give up. In reality, I didn't want to go through recovery because it's just too damn hard. I'm also coming to the point of just surrendering everything. I am telling my treatment team that I don't know what to do with myself anymore, I can't trust myself anymore, and I'll follow them blindly. I acknowledged that I"m too sick to make rational decisions and they only want whats best for me...not to mention have a lot of experience in this field.
Though I'm coming to all of these realizations, I am not getting much better. I mean, emotionally and psychologically I feel pretty damn good and like things are finally clicking into place. However, behavior wise, I'm not improving. I'm still purging everyday and sometimes I lie about it in order to stay at St. Josephs. I hope the staff at St. Josephs can see how I'm improving cognitively and how that's a step foward to changing things with my behavior. Since I'm learning so much and growing so much I don't want to go inpatient. I don't know if I'll make these strives at a different place. But I guess I just need to do what's best. If the treatment team want me to go IP, then I'll seriously consider going.