2006-04-03, 10:00 p.m.
Today sucked. Really, really bad.
Laura led our monday group today. I sat on the end of the eating table with my cup of yogurt and granola. I didn't eat it. She didn't know. Lunch came and I ate most of it...trying to spread it around my plate so it didn't look like I was "shaving". I purged it. Afternoon was with Alissa; the staff member I despise. I got in a fight with her. Maybe I was PMSing. Maybe it was because of my clinical with Laura.
I told Laura I feel like I'm in a bind because I don't want to be dishonest, however, I feel as if I'm truthful about my weekend they'll use it against me. She is recomending del amo, once again. She doesn't think my insurance will keep paying for me there.
I feel really stuck. I don't want to leave but I've stopped trying to get better. I understand what posistion this is putting them in but it's hurtful that they'd release me on my own when they know what that will do to me. In a panic, I called Julio.
First I called just to see when my next appointment was. The very kind desk person who gave me a valetine on v-day answered the phone. I asked how often Julio checks his voicemail and if I could leave a message for him. She checked his scheduel in the other office and noted that he will be out of session at 11:30. She offered to call him and have him call me when he gets out. I was very, very thankful.
She also told me Julio is off this week which is just fabulous. Julio called me at about 11:40. I explained the situation and how I was freaking out. He asked me what I was doing tomorrow at 11:30. Though he is not working this week, he's going to see me. I wanted to kiss his feet. He is so, so good to me. The desk person I spoke to said, "I'll call him and have him call you. I don't think he'd usually do that but you're like a daughter to him. I know he will. Your his favorite patient." I don't know if she was joking or not, but it made me feel good.
After i knew I was seeing Julio tomorrow, I felt relieved. But when we met with Alissa for afternoon group, my nerves got worse. I felt so, so irritable. I finally snapped at her and argued with her. I contemplated leaving group mid-way through but I was suppose to hang out with some girls after program before family group.
After program, a couple girls and I went to get coffee and walk around the mall. That was fun.
I came home, binged and purged, and went to get frozen yogurt. It closed right when I got there and I felt so so pissed. I just wanted my fucking yogurt.
Now I'm thinking about bingeing again.
I don't know what I'm going to do about treatment. I'm hostile and angry because I want to feel better about having to leave. I feel like if I can be angry, it's their fault and I don't have to blame myself. Even though I will blame myself.
I guess I'll talk to Julio about it tomorrow.