2006-04-14, 9:10 p.m.
I'm in trouble. I don't know why I didn't think this would actually happen but I've been predicting it all along.
The past couple days have been really hard. Yesterday Rita kind of pushed my buttons to show how easily angered I am and how my rage is just on the surface and easily accessed.
Today was another hard therapy group. I got frustrated because Rita was having a hard time understanding what I was trying to say. She was frustreated and I was frustrated because she kept trying to encourage change and I said I don't know how to make myself feel differently or be in a different place. Her reply was "then we can't help you."
I left after lunch without telling anyone. One of the girls called me but I didn't answer. I felt really bad for leaving without saying anything and almost went back but I just couldn't do it. I felt so overwhelmed and drained and I didn't want to talk or think anymore.
Penny, one of the case managers called me about 10 minutes ago. She left a message saying if I'm going to discharge they'd like some closure and hope I come in one last time atleast. Just the thought of that really shook me up. I called her back near tears and told her I didn't want to stop going and I understand why that would be i just don't want to self-destruct and I don't know what to do. She said the treatment team has been expressing a need for change or something to shift. She said it's not that they don't want to work with me, "we like you and working with you" she said, but it's hard to justify that to the insurance.
She wants me to think about what I'm going to change while I have the weekend off. I told her I'd e-mail my therapist in hopes you can point me in the right direction. She wants me to journal about it, which I'm going to do, I just don't know what I can offer to the treatment team as something I can change and I know I will do.