2006-06-21, 5:54 p.m.
some good and bad today.
I met with the college leader from my church today. Laura would be proud. I told him about the meth and we talked about me getting back involved with church. though i don't think that's likely at the moment, it was good to open up to someone.
i saw my therapist in the afternoon. i told him what's going on...with meth, with money, with my dad's gas card. he looked truly worried and concerned. he said more than once "this is going down a horrible path." he seemed to shake his head with the thought of it. i was at a lost for words. i just kept saying i don't know what i'm doing and i don't know why i'm not more scared. he told me it could be the thing that would end our relationship - he won't see me when i'm not me. i told him that's why i asked him a couple weeks ago if i could do anything that would make him end our sessions..because i'm fed up with me and i can't imagine him wanting to continue to meet with me while i'm walking into fire. i told him the fucked up part of me would use that as an exusce to kill myself - that if i don't have him then i don't want to live. he said "don't do that." i know i was putting him in a bad posistion but i couldn't help it. i told him i think that about my dad sometimes too. if he were to die and leave me with my mom it would be the exusce to kill myself.
he wants me to check in somewhere - doesn't have to be ED focused. he's going to look up some places. i don't know about that.
i'm going to go watch a movie. more later.