2006-07-29, 8:44 p.m.
I got up, grocery shopped with dad, binged, and went into bathroom to purge. I started to cry for all the ol same reasons. i thought how next time i see julio i just want to tell him, fuck, i can't stand myself and this bullshit. i have nothing else to say. sometimes i feel like i continue to pull this shit just to get a reaction from him. i've tried to tell him up and down and all over the place that I'M IN TROUBLE HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME but he sits calmly repeating the same advice, telling me he understands what i'm saying when i tell him he doesn't, and not showing he has the same panic and concern as i do. ocasionally he shakes his head, sighs, and says "oh melissa..." in exasperation but is that a concerned "Oh, melissa" or a frustrated? he never adds to it. After i got myself to stop crying, I puked, showered, and went out with Joe from last night. He was very sweet. We got lunch then walked down the beach. We talked about last night and how drunk we were, what we should do together, and life in general. Occasionally he would do sweet things like pull me up to him or lean in close to say something in my ear. After he dropped me off, he called me maybe 30 minutes later to say how good of a time he had again. I was so blown away by that. I almost felt like crying because it was so nice. i think were going to hang out tomorrow. i like him. When i got home, the guy called that made me really really upset a few days ago. he had meth this time and wanted to get a room. i agreed, though felt sick to my stomach while listenign to his demands on the phone.after i hung up i decided it's really not worth it and i'm tired of putting myself into situations that i know are going to turn out poorly. i haven't done meth since last tuesday and i'd be freaking out if i weren't popping adderall like candy.i dream about bags of meth nearly every night. for the first time, i have the money to buy but i can't find a connection. ughhhhhhhh.