2006-09-18, 5:48 p.m.
i just have to stop pretending for one second. i'm smoking way too fucking much and every fucking day. i'm addicted and addicted bad. even my drug dealer said i got it bad. My hands shake when I don't smoke. And not just jittery shakes like the kind I would get from not eating, but parkinson's shakes...they are more like tremors. Let's count our losses. I lost my non-drug friends because I didn't want ot hang out with someone if it didn't involve drugs. I lost my dad because I flipped out in Hawaii when I was coming down and things haven't been the same since...and some things just never will be reversed. I nearly loss Joe to it but loss him to something else first. He told me a week ago or so that he was very close to telling me that he won't hang out with me if my face isn't clear (my face is bad when i'm tweakng and picking). For awhile I was smoking with Ruston and providing the goods. He has gotten really depressed lately and told me he thinks its from doing shit. He is completely avoiding me and I had to go to his house to make sure he was alive. He wouldn't answer threatening voicemails or text messages. We had a good talk abotu how he's having a hard time and doesn't know how to talk to me but he's avoiding everyone..which I'm not sure I believe. He struggled to admit that he is stressed over how he is "flip flopping" with our relationship and that was exaclty what he did not want to do. I felt him leaving me as I stood at the top of his stairs by his apartment. He was distant and emotinally unattached..not caring that I was worried adn about to cry. I text him threats about how if he doesn't call me back this time then i'll never ask him again. i plead with him to just tell me the truth: does he not like me? does he not enjoy spending time with me? And I would be hurt and all by that but i just need to know because right now i don't know how to act towards him. if i ask him to hang out, he'll give a yes but then something always happens: he stops responding, something came up, he doesn't feel well. Don't fucking toy with me. I am so lonely and emotional right now that though i get mad at him, if i get that down i will take down my pride and call him. and he'll continue to burn me.
Dan spent several nights here and burned me as well. i felt like i as fianlly breaking through his hard exterior and i thought we were becoming friends. Last night he had some people come over to smoke us out and he was an ass to me. We bickered at eachother...both of us haven't been sleeping well and stressed so we were a time bomb together... and now i'm angry at him too.
Joe, Ruston, and Dan all have one thing in common. They only seek me out when they need something of me. I texted Joe about a money deal we talke about in the past and THEN he called my cell phone. He then says he will call me later or tomorrow or when i'm 62 but it never happens. Dan will bitch about my house, me, my parents, my car, and basically everything i've offered in good manners but when has no other options he'll come crawling back to me for a ride or a place to crash.
i just want friends. somene to like ME. ME ME ME. But I don't even like me. I only can stand me when i'm on meth. Meth mel is not the real me. I feel lke I've been a shell of the person i use to be since meth.