2006-11-30, 10:28 a.m.
i feel guilty for not writing. i have been wanting to but being with Ken 24/7 makes it difficult to get a moment alone to reflect.
I saw Julio yesterday. He thinks it would be a good idea to call up my aunt and try again with getting answers about my mom. Lately I find myself searching the house for answers. Answers to what i'm not sure. I just always feel like i'm looking for something to make things more clear. I can't remember childhood at all...and that bothers me. Ken doesn't understand why it's so important to me but how can you not wonder what the hell was going on when you can't remember most of your life. It's like this itch I can't scratch. I try to get my dad to give me some answers but he's never been much of help. I made art to get my anger out over my mom. I sent Julio the pictures of the piece and Julio inquired about the picture I used of my mom and I. I told him there is a few pictures like that...stuff I can't remember at all. I told him there is one of me on my mom's lap. we were in my old house and on our old couch. As I began saying to Julio that she has a book in her hand and is reading to me, I burst into tears. Through gasps of breath I say "i don't know why i'm crying. but seeing that picture just killed me." It kills me because I can't even fathom what that would be like.
Loneliness continues to eat away at me. I spend all my time with Ken because the alternate sucks, too. When he leaves I want him to come back but I realize now it's not him I want...I want someone else. A better friend, a healthier person, and most of all a fucking family. Thanksgiving depressed the hell out of me...I ate it alone in my bedroom. I hate myself for caring so much about something so cliche and so redundant. I don't have a family..boo-fucking-hoo. But even with all the years that past and the progress made in therapy and my mind becoming clearer...it hurts just as bad as it did when I was in 5th grade and making fun of my mom's craziness wasn't fun anymore.