2007-01-26, 9:27 a.m.
I'm having trouble shaking someone Julio said to me last week.
I guess I asked for a challenging session when I asked Julio why he never pushes me. We talked about that a little and then he asked me what subjects I think he should push.
I said, you know, my mom, the fact that my life is going no where fast and i'll do anything to avoid facing that, my drug use. stuff like that.
He asked about what concerns me about where my life is going. I explained how I felt stuck. How if I'm still living in this house at 25 I will hang myself. And how I'm not sure I'm even a good person anymore. Even when I felt down about my weight and appearence and my relationships, I could always fall back on the fact that i have a good heart. That I know deep down i'm a good person and i do good things and make good choices. I even began to believe that I was smart and insightful...trustworthy and worth getting knowing. i'm starting to question everything i once thought good about me. I told Julio that i haven't done anything to prove those good things in a long time. He agreed, no I haven't. I told him I'm afraid of being stupid because that just puts so many limits on life. Julio seemed suprised I thought like that and I told him my perception is probably skewed by my parents never giivng me a sense of self and that makes it hard to get perspective on how people view me.
I told Julio that I thought my life all comes down to me needing parents. i search for unconditional love in friends (which is unrealistic and should have become from my parents), i can't grow up and am always seeking approval.
Julio said back, you WANT parents.
I countered, no, I NEED parents.
want.
need.
want.
I NEED THEM. How could you say that?!
I'm crying now, frustrated. I'm crying about how no one understands that i don't want to use my parents as a cop out for everything but I can't seem to get anyone to understand how i feel fucking paralazyed in life. that i'm apathetic but scared about working, relationships, going to school, and even what tomorrow brings. i need help. not want it. i need it from my parents and i'm nto just making exusces.
julio says, he knows.
i say back, no you don't! if you understood you wouldn't tell me just to suck it up and get out of bed and get a job and go to meetings. you work with depressed patients everyday. I FUCKING CAN'T.
Julio starts talking again about things i can't do. by now i am interrupting every "go to a meeting" or "everything you want in a relationship can be found at a meeting" or "make friends by getting a job" with anger that was probably heard from outside the office. "I FUCKING CAN'T. i can't. can't. i need someone to understand that i'm not just being lazy or am making stupid decisions, something is fucking wrong with me. it's not right to be this apathetic and be able to tune out life so easily. "
julio denied i had any other mental problems besides the ones i know about but i kept telling him somethings wrong with me.
i realized why i am so reluctant to go aa meetings but things feel unresolved between julio and i right now. when were not on the same page, i feel aimlessly floating and terrified of where i am going.