2007-05-10, 7:42 a.m.
my session with julio tuesday AM was one of, if not the, hardest sessions ever.
i recieved that email from ken before i saw Julio and didn't have time to react to it until i was in Julio's office. With already feeling like shit from all the other stuff going on with Josh's arrest and my lack of life, Ken's email just sent me way way over the edge.
i have never felt so pathetic infront of julio in my life. i knew i looked like hell. I was late as usual, crying uncontroably, shaking from head to toe but drenched in sweat from rushing, and had those weird muscle spasms and jolts like you only see in movies about addicts. I could see Julio looking at me with almost...pity. Like I was just a sad sight. I kept saying "what? what are you thinking? do you think i'm pathetic? do you think i'm a terrible person?" he kept giving me the same answers, "no. it's just really sad to see you like this. it makes me really sad." i spent the whole session crying. everytime i would stop crying i would remmeber why i was crying in the first place and start right back up again.
when i left, i felt like i had been crying for 40 years instead of 40 min. I got home at 12:30, checked a couple things, and fell asleep at 3. I didn't wake up again till 1 AM where I just peed and ate something. Then I slept till 1:30 in the afternoon....almost a total 24 hours. I remember waking up briefly in the middle of the night over and over covered in my own sweat..i would change my shirt and shorts and fall back asleep only to wake up in sweat again.
Today I couldn't bare to go outside. I smelt awfuil from stewing in my own sweat for 24 hours but everything has lost purpose.
my life has fallen apart and i don't even know where to begin to pick up the pieces. even worse, i just don't care if i suceed in life. i don't want this life. i don't want to save my life and i'd be a liar if i told anyone else life was worth saving.
the only reason i'm not dead is because of julio. he's the last thing i got to live for and when i saw him looking at me like i was just this pathetic addict i wanted to jump across the table and shake him and cling to him and beg him to never never ever leave me. i can't lose him. he's all i got and i'm afraid he won't be enough.