2007-10-11, 1:57 a.m.
I've ran out of places to run to. When I'm lonely I have two options: Ken or my dealer. I just saw Ken, so on the way home I texted my dealer saying I had 40 bucks and nothing to do. I was trying to bribe him to come over with sex and money just so I wouldn't be alone tonight. The even funnier part is I didn't hear back from him. I can't even bribe people to be around me.
I realize I expect too much out of people. I want them to do all the work because I am the victim, I was screwed over by the world, therefore I get to be a pissy little bitch who has to do nothing to change her life. I realize that way of living is unrealistic and self-absorbed and stupid. I know I can't expect that but I know I have been expecting it since I get disapointed everytiem someoen doesn't give it to me.
I've dug myself into the deepest grave. I know my only ways out are to make friends and get my shit together. But here's the catch: I need people to help me fix myself. I can't get people because no one wants to be friends with a project. No one wants to fix me and no one should have to. But I'm so socially inept and insecure and awkward and full of anxiety that I can't be the person I want to be and can't fix myself enough to appear normal to make friends.
i met with rod a few days ago and had dinner with marlie tonight. i told them both the same thing: my social anxiety, my inability to pick up on social cues and act normal infront of anyone, ect. They didn't believe that it was as bad as i described but I've known them since middle school and they know me as my middle school self. I was obnoxiously out going back then. There are no traces of who I once was in the present time me. I can't even remember how i felt back then or dig up any connection with my old self. We are two separate people: Melissa BC (before corruption) and Melissa AC (after corruption).
I've dug myself so deep into this hole there is no way out. I have lost all faith in mankind and myself. I should be trying to make changes for only myself anyway, but I honest to god have no hope that I can. I never have, really. The only thing that has kept me going in life was other people and now everyone else has lost faith in me. Some have even told me that. My sister was one of them. So if I have no faith in me and no one else does, who am i kidding? I give the fuck up. I could say I'm suicidal right now. I even called the 1-800-suicide hotline this evening but hung up when someone answered. I want help but don't think I deserve it, should expect it, or will get even get it. I am not worth fighting for and I know it. I won't try to convince anyone otherwise. I know deep down I'm a pain in the ass. The only person still rooting for me is Julio and even he is failing me. Well, he is failing to be the martyr knight on white horse i expected him to be. So now when I realize he won't be that, I feel all alone suddenly, completly hopeless, and scared out of my mind. This past week he said he has never seen me more angry than I was that day sitting infront of him. I was angry. Livid. Not at him, but everyone. Me included. And when I spoke to him and was dripping with all this emotional anger, need, sadness, and fear the only thing he had to offer me was "I'm sorry." Yeah, me too, Julio. NOW WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO ABOUT IT. Sorry isn't going to help me. I know you're sorry. I know you wish everyone around me could see who you see (which by the way, is probably the only words keeping me going right now) but I need more fucking help. I need you to tell me it's okay to feel how i feel adnd i'm a good person and people can love me and will love me and i can do better and he believes in me and wants to help me and cares for me.
i'm so fucking lonely. i need everything i can't expect and nothing i deserve.
i'm so ashamed of who i've become i barely leave the house. i don't try to fix what i've become because if i fail one more time or get rejected one more, or anything that just rubs the salt into my enormous wound, i will go off the deep end. i will blow my fucking brains out. i will kill myself i swear to god. i can't fucking go through another lousy fucking day feeling this shitty. i hate these fucking evenigns that drag on and on in a blur of cigarrettes and meth and crying and bright eyes and scratching my legs untill they bleed. i won't.