crazy night
2002-04-14, 10:52 p.m.

for about 2 hours my heart was going crazy..beating really fast. it felt like the walls were pounding with my heart. i was sweating, and i kept breaking down in these random parts in this book i was reading. its like my emotions were amplified by 100.

i dont know if i passed out or just simply fell asleep, but in and out i went for 2 hours. i called my therapist at 7:40, the emergency pager, because i didnt feel id make it emotionally.

no one called back.

my heart is still beating fast, not so bad the walls are thumping and i stopped sweating and such but now im really nervous and every noise makes my heart go crazy.


he called.

demanded to talk to my dad.

argued for like 10 min.

got mad. i cried because i dont want him to be mad at me. he cant be mad. my only safe person.

he said he was frustrated but he was being mean.


i finally woke my dad. my dad checked me out. talked to him. hung up. asked me what i took. i said nothing and i dont want to talk about it. hid in room. paged him again. secetary called and asked what my dad said

(what does he tell the whole world?!)

and i said "uh..he just..uh..asked questions about it."

and she asked if he wanted to speak to him again. i said no, i do. she said she'd try to track him down.

no call.

i dont think hes going to call.

i think he doesnt want to talk to me.

at the beggining of the call while i was trying to tell him what happened he said really stern:

"melissa its 10:00 on sunday night. whats going on?"

he kept saying throughout the conversation

"melissa. get me your dad. either i call the police. melissa. this isnt a joke."

i pleaded to talk, but he wouldnt.

let me die.

my dad came to my door.

he was saying that he loves me to pieces and that no matter how hard things get with his job, and how hard stuff is for me, if we love eachother can get through it.

actions speak louder then words