falling apart
2002-04-24, 10:41 p.m.

it has finally happened. i fell apart

yesterday I thought I was suppose to goto different classes and was really puzzled when no one I knew was in my 1st period. Today, even with yesterday's mistake, I was thrown off on my scheduel again. I have to keep reminding myself of the scheduel for tommorow because that too, i am forgetting.

at diving practice today, my body shut down. I was shaking, crying (in the girls locker room), and my body felt like rubber. I felt like I had enough to strength to do the dives, but I was rudely awakened that I simply couldnt when I did my arm press off the board and my legs simply did not jump up and i fell of the board. i was shocked and so was everyone else because sure, peoeple do that, but I RARELY do that, and not when i look like I am completely ready to do the dive.

I was looking so foward to youth group tonight, you guys have no idea, to get away from it all and see the people I love and miss, and I simply slept right through it, not even remembering i had youth group or what day it was till my YP emailed me, concerned. You might think its odd he emailed, then called me when I slept, but the simple fact is I havent missed youth group for over 3 years. Not once. Ive been late recently because of diving competitions, but never miss completely, espically when i told them id be there on time today because we didnt have a competition and i showed i was really excited.

I am simply a mess, having every aspect of my life thrown off by who knows what. These are just a few examples of how screwed up ive been lately, and I hate being out of control. My life is the only thing I can control. And now im losing that too. I can already predict not being able to sleep tonight, and spending another zombie day tommorow.

someone, help me, please?

on a lighter note, my friend, Klif, sent me a build-a-bear be built for me. His name is Kippy. I simply sobbed. It was just overwhelming at the time to feel so much love. No one has ever reached out to me like that. Kippy fell asleep clutched in my arms to tight.

Its funny, because I had a dream with Klif last night that we were dating, and he was sitting on the ground and i had my back against his chest and he had his arms around me and I finally felt okay. Everything was fine. Then, later, he got annoyed with me because I sat in a large arm chair with him and was trying to get his attention and he got annoyed and sat slightly halfway on the arm of the chair and the chair itself. it hurt so bad. theres more to the dream but i dont think its significant. I wonder what that all means.

all i know right now, is that ive fallen apart.