2002-05-21, 3:38 p.m.

-and you wonder if you are alive. and your not sure if you want to be-

Sure, I was shaking all day and felt a little dizzy but I�ve felt like this a hundred times and it never got any worse.

As I sat in History, trying to do my work, I couldn't see the worlds on my history book. It all blurred. After making it focus repeatedly and dazing off a hundred times I finally finished my work. I felt off, but I wasn't worried. My heart wasn't beating fast like all the other times.

I went to Spanish, feeling crummy. I was tired and didn't want to be there. I asked my teacher about some homework, sat down, and copied the notes.
Suddenly, things started spinning and I was short of breath. I started to sob, tears poured down my face but no one noticed.

I was so scared.

I couldn't see the notes anymore, I tried to ignore it, hoping it'd go away, but I couldn't copy the notes.

She changed the page for the notes. I was behind. I couldn't keep up.

I dropped my pen.

I cried. Everything moved, I was shaking. My heart was beating n my head and chest.

No one noticed.

I thought I was invisible. How can no one notice i'm not sobbing and SO scared?

I couldn't breath. I was so scared.

I was afraid to move, speak. If I got up, would I fall? If I spoke, would I pass out?

My teacher was going threw the roll list to ask if we wanted to know my score. When I didn't respond and was staring off into space trying to regain my breath she assumed that was a no and went on.

She let us go early.

I couldn't move. I couldn't breath.

I cried. I sobbed.

It was so scary

I tried to put my mind somewhere else, so id breathe, so it'd end.

It wouldn't stop.

so this is what it feels like to die I kept thinking.

I got up. Everyone was leaving. The room stayed still. I still cried. My heart still pounded I felt like I was walking a mile a minute but when I realized how deserted the school was when I finally made it to the front where my mom was, I realized how slow I moved.

It�s hard for me to keep myself from drifting off again.

I'm scared. I'm anxious. I'm afraid to move. I'm hot. I'm cold.

help. pray. please. now.