2002-06-29, 6:00 p.m.
this is such a mess. i went to the last day of the church seminar thing this morning and just felt emotionally so terrible i couldn't be there. I told my youth pastor I didn't feel well and that I was leaving. I called my mom and she refused to pick me up because she didn't want to drive with her air conditioner broken. Stupid selfish bitch. I started to cry and walk home when I heard foot steps behind me. I turned around and my youth pastor had been following me. He asked me what was wrong and I just kept saying nothing. He eventually said he'd drive me home. Halfway there he stopped and asked If I wanted to go out to breakfast. I said no. Food was defiently not what I needed. He kept bugging me to goto breakfast and saying things like "mmm yummy waffles and syrup" and I just shook my head no. He dropped me off and said he loved me and put his hand on my hand which made me really uncomfortable. I just mumbled thanks and got out of the car. I took 3 sleeping pills and slept all day. I got up, ate some pasta, and purged it. Now here I am. I don't know if I'll goto the final seminar tonight if my youth pastor will be there and there isn't any other leaders.
i'm just so tired of everything and just hurt all over. i feel like im going to be stretched and stretched till im broken. im exausted. physically from all these sleeping pills, and emotionally from constantly thinking about how I feel. I don't want to face anyone or anything. I don't know how I am going to sleep tonight after sleeping over 10 hours today. More sleeping pills. 1-2-3 keep them coming.