who cares
2002-07-26, 11:01 a.m.

Thank you for the kind words in my guestbook. And the interpertations of that weird dream. I've been having really vivid dreams lately. Last night was me shopping for a long time. I'd get into but its unimportant. Just the different items I was dying to get.

My stomach is making weird noises and turning and such. I am oh so hungry. I said in an hour I can have a b/p. Hopefully, if I make it to then, I can increase it by hour to hour till I go to bed.

I feel like shit today and I'm not really sure. Perhaps it's the fact that I see everyone so happy with God and I want that. Perhaps it's the fact that I'm hungry and I can't eat because I'm so close to passing my lowest ever. I am at 98 right now. I don't feel 98. I was thinking if I were to see myself walking down the street I'd say I weighed about 107. Maybe I'm just not good at estimating.

Perhaps I feel like shit because I haven't took my meds in awhile. *shrugs*

I leave for Lake Mead Sunday night till Thursday so exusce my lack of entries then. I'm worried about the trip. It's a church trip. The toilets suck and always clog just from using them normally so I know I can't purge there. I'm so scared I'll come back as a huge blimp. I have to be disciplined and eat little but if I can't even be disciplined at home how do I expect to do it there? I'm also scared because its 110 or so degrees there so we're always in our bathing suits. I am too fat for a bathing suit. Bleah. Plus, I know people will see my arms. Double blah.

I bought a bunch of oatmeal yesterday because it has low calories. It was buy one get one free so now I have 20 packets of different flavored oatmeal. But I'm afraid to eat it because I know once I start eating I just don't stop. I'm hoping I can cook it and eat celery and carrots with mustard and be full and not want to eat anymore. Ya right. Who am I kidding? Yesterday I bought 3 candy bars, and a big pack of little debbie chocolate cupcake things. I downed it all. I felt sick after only eating 4 of the cupcakes but I couldn't stop. I had to eat it all. It felt good to get the food out of me because I felt I might pop.

Oi all this talk of food isn't making it any easier to last this hour. Now it's 50 minutes. Argh.

It's sick, but I want to be really really thin when I see my therapist on the 6th of August. I haven't seen him for awhile so if I lose a ton of weight maybe he'll...I don't know. I don't know what I want to happen.

I was thinking yesterday when I got tooken to the psych hospital on September 28th and if I only was honest with the questions I could've been locked up. I could've had a break. I want that so much now. I wish I would be taken there to be evaluated again and I could tell them how fucked up I am and I could have a rest. A rest from everything and just lay in a big white sterile bed and read and not think about anything.

What a fucking idiot I am for not taking advantage of that then.