2002-10-12, 10:38 p.m.
no one cares how i'm doing. or i've pushed people away so they are afraid to care. afraid of what i'll do. but everyone tells me every little problem they have, but no one asks me how i am doing. how i -really- am doing.
I'm choking on nothing
it's clear in my head
and I'm screaming for something
knowing nothing is better than knowing at all
So I went to that group thing tonight. It was....meh. I didn't really like it. The other girls were all anorexics. I felt so huge. They were SO thin. All struggling with it currently, all had been in the hospital. I felt inadequate and fat. And they all talked down to me 'I remember when i was in your place..not really knowing what's going on' well fuck you. atlest i recognized a problem before you. i didn't talk much. one of the girls was so in love with her voice, even if i did want to talk she'd interrupt me because she has something more important to say about her life.
I'd rather be dreaming then living. living is just too hard to do. it's chances not choices, noises not voices. a day's just a thing to get through. living is just too hard to do.
I'm 99 right now fully clothed. i lost grasp of the 95.5-96 range. i was 98 this morning. i'll probably 97 tommorow morning. that same voice, same fucking voice echoes in my head yelling the same fucking thing. can you guess what it is? FAILURE, FAILURE, FAILURE! i have failed at life.