2002-10-23, 6:28 p.m.
I did good today. I decided max 200 calories per day for 1 week. I can do it. I can have discipline. I need to lose 7 lbs by next Friday. That was my goal day to be at 92 and I am far from it and I can't break that. Today I had carrots, celery, and brocolli SOAKED in mustard. I was barely tasting the veggies after awhile, using them like a spoon. Salt sounds so good. Good thing mustard has 0 calories. I had 1/4 of a small slice of pizza. 45 cals. 50 cal. popsicle (big stick) 4 carrots 100 cal? slice of turkey 50 cal. 245 total but i'm hoping the carrots will go right through me.
God this scares me:
god mehl...i really love you. and i'm going to propose this idea here, instead of while actually talking to you so you can think about it. and i want you to think a lot. i know you thought i needed a hospital. and probably still do. actually i know that i still do. but mehl. i think it's time for you, too. don't reject it outright...please? i love you. and you know that. <3."
I...don't need a hospital. I'm fine. I'm healthy. Just fat. And just want to lose weight. Julio, my therapist, said they would've hospitilized me a long time ago if they could keep me long enough, but they don't do hospitals like that anymore because they can only keep you for like 2 weeks. So I'm not hospital material. I just can't let Julio know I'm losing weight if/when I do. Baggy clothes and layers of them. Then everything will be okay. But i don't think I'll ever get to that point. I don't think I could ever look thin. I'm forever destined in this fat body struggling to get out. maybe I'll purge these carrots....