2004-01-11, 11:06 p.m.
I need to go purge but I can't stop cleaning my keyboard. I remove keys and clean under them. I've had to re-do this entry like, twice, because I hit some key and it deletes the whole thing. I will not look down at my keyboard. I will just type and then go purge. God, I'm sick. My OCD is getting worse. Crevices drive me crazy. My face drives me mad. I need to pick, pop,and peel everything. It calms me yet nerves me.
I'm sleeping way too much lately. 10-11 hours a day. I want to sleep more but I force myself out of bed. This is weird since I use to have sleeping problems. I feel like I could sleep forever.
8 more days till Julio. I keep trying to formulate what I will say to him. This isn't healthy, I don't think? I keep obsessing over my appointment with him. This one hour in my future seems so important to me. It's like I'm depending on him so, so much. If he doesn't help me, who will? I will be hopeless. Something needs to happen. But how do I communicate to him that things are worse then ever?
A. Hair is falling out
B. Leg and arm goes numb and takes long time to go un-numb
C. Down to "weight goal"
I mean, that's pretty much it for the physical stuff. but I can tell him some other stuff. Like i'm stealing food from my friend's house, stealing money from my parent's and brother for binge food, I'm bingeing every single fucking day.
And God I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired. Doesn't it count that i lay in bed and sob after I do this every night? That i'm so disgusted, so scared, so worried that I'll be like this forever and so scared that i'm hurting myself that I can't help just lying in bed crying? I try to push all the feelings away but it doesn't help. I start panicking everynight. I curl up in bed and start crying. Sometimes I don't even make it to my bed and I lay on my bathroom floor crying, feeling my bones, and wonder if I've taken this too far. In the morning I survey the damage. I see all the plates and wrappers and my heart beats, my head turns in disgust, and a lump rises in my throat. It all seems like a bad dream.
I wish this was all a bad dream. Some quote in macbeth or something says that one seemingly meaningless action or thought can change the course of your life. god, how true. my one thought of "i hate my thighs" and "i'll just try a diet" then "maybe i should throw up this meal" when dieting was too hard ruined my fucking life.
i wish this was all a bad dream.