2004-03-01, 6:34 p.m.
As I'm sitting here stuffing my face with the the peanut butter chews I made today, it suddenly occured to me I have an appointment with Julio tommorow. My first reaction was "Oh damn", which is odd. The past couple times I've seen him I haven't looked foward to it. Usually I look foward to the time or really need to unload or sort things out in my crazy mind. I think the reason I don't want to see Julio tommorow is because I feel like he doesn't want to see me. I think I mentioned before in this diary that I noticed they aren't adding on appointments to my existing ones, like they use to do. That makes me feel like he doesn't want to see me.
I've been such a zombie lately. I'm missing a lot of school. Every week that goes by and I miss a lot of classes, I promise myself I'll get my act together the next week. Next week I'll start wearing jeans again, and stop wearing warm ups every other day. Next week, i'll attend every class, instead of skipping a class here and there on some days. Today I saw the school psychologist during 3rd period, then told him I didn't want to go to 4th and sat through it with him while he counseled someone on the phone. I read. Then I went to lunch and came back to school for 5th period. When I noticed I was 5 minutes late for class, it seemed too much to bother going. I sat in the parking lot considering my options. Next thing I knew, I was driving off. I was just too tired to make myself go and walk into class, and apologize. Apologizing and facing the class seemed like too much work. I was kind of looking foward to the class, too. It's my art of film class and we were going to talk about the oscars. We all turned in an a ballot sheet and predicted the winners. Oh well. Instead I made the no bake cookies I'm bingeing on.
Everyday I'm crying. I really think I've lost hope in myself and this life. It's hard to find hope when I'm friendless and consumed by an eating disorder that's wearing me out. Often I wake up and cry. Or wake up and think about how much I want to die. Sometimes when the day just seems to stretch on, I break down crying. During purging, or after purging as I'm laying in bed, I sob.
I just hate myself so much.