2004-06-14, 8:53 p.m.
Hooray! I can update!
I'm eating doughnuts and peanut butter cookies as I type this. I better make this entry good because who knows when I'll be able to write again and It's been so long.
I graduate this Thursday. It seems unreal and trite to talk about how unreal it seems. This year flew by in a blur of tears, vomit, numbers, and depression. School was merely a burdan I had to deal with. The school counselor checked the records and I had 50 health absences and 17 truants. Whoops. Like I said, school was a burdan and I avoided it at all costs.
This Wednesday I see Julio. Finally. The inevitable doctor's visit. It was suppose to be tommorow but I had to change it because tommorow is a graduation practice and the day I get my graduation tickets. I called to rescheduel, unwillingly. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't miss tommorow because I needed the tickets but if I called to rescheduel who knows when I'd get in to see Julio again. The next available appointment the lady said she could give me was July 14th. In ANOTHER damn month. I choked back tears and accepted, not knowing what else to say or do. Maybe 5 minutes later my phone rang and it was the lady I made the appointment with. She said she talked to Julio and there is an opening on Wednesday morning. I don't know what he did, but I guess he worked his scheduel.
I don't even know what I'll say to Julio. I feel so numb. I know things aren't good. But I don't know what's not good and what's going on. All I know is that I Don't feel okay. And that I'm scared and lonely. And so tired. So So tired. I feel like sleeping for 10,000 years and running away from all of this mess. But I don't think Julio wants to hear these things. I think Julio wants to hear plausible events. Me telling him that I'm breaking from the inside won't cut it. He'll just say, huh?
I'm afraid I'm going crazy. I think I said that last entry. I'm really afraid I'm losing my mind. I think I'm turning into my mom. That's my worse nightmare.
I don't know. I don't know what's wrong. Something's wrong.
I'm just sad. And I don't want to be fat. And so fucking lonely. And all I care about is food. Sometimes I think about how I'd rather be anyone in the world but me. Or just dead. Dead or not me. Can someone figure out what's wrong with me? Just wrap my diagnoses in a neat little sentence. Because i'm confused.