2004-07-20, 9:44 p.m.
Everytime I'm bingeing, and the phone rings, I tense up. It's like I snap back into reality and the numbness the food brings me is stopped cold. My heart pounds and I pray it's not for me. I think of a million exusces why I can't go hang out or talk to anyone it is. If I'm in a particularly bad mood, I tell my brother or dad to take a message if it's for me. Or I take the call, and if they want to hang out, I tell them I have to babysit or I'm seeing my sister. That's always a full proof exusce.
Then I feel like shit. And lonely as hell. I'm surrounded by plates of food and I'm all alone with my computer and music but I could have gone out with all my friends and probably had fun.
Right now, my hands smell of vomit. No matter how much I scrub, I smell it. The roof of my mouth is raw, I'm dehydrated, and I'm sure I have atleast 1 cavity.
I just don't want to wake up tommorow. I wish there was someway to soothe this pain. Something I could think about, do, someone to talk to, to make things relatively okay or get myself through tommorow or each day. But there is nothing to do or say to comfort myself. Sometimes I feel like crying but then I just myself because it feels stupid and useless because what good does crying do? It doesn't solve anything and it makes me feel worse. I know it's suppose to helpful but i just feel empty after crying. So I don't anymore.
I want the pain to stop. My first reaction is to think about something I can eat. But I know that just makes me feel worse and the guilt builds up. If I sleep, I just wake up to another day of planning binges. I'm afraid to sleep because I'm afraid to face another day of food and purging. I hate purging. I hate the toilet.
I hate myself. I hate the shame. I hate the desire of searching for something to fill the hole and still not realizing there is nothing that can ever fill the hole.
I sent Julio an email telling him I'm going to Hawaii next week and that means I won't be in for a month if he can't get me in this week. So maybe he should try to get in me in either of his locations (i usually only go in to his location that he goes in tuesday, wed, and fri). He didn't reply, so I sent him another email to his other email address, just in case he didn't get it. I hope i'm not being annoying, but time is running out for inpatient for the summer. I just can't care anymore what people think.