2004-09-09, 4:19 p.m.

Julio and I are talking about next semester for treatment. Julio gave me information on a place called Remuda Ranch. It's in Arizona. I read up on it and I really don't like the sound of it. It's way too religous sounding.

I talked to Julio about how even if I go through the whole recovery process, even if I come out all brand spankin' new, I don't have any motive. What I mean is, I have iscolated all my friends, I have no family. You can take away my food obessions, you can take away this addition, but I'll still be depressed, empty, and the worse: alone. I don't even know if i want to get better. I was reading a poll on the TF board and it was disheartening to read just how many people didn't even want to recover, they just wanted to die. I feel exactly the same way. If I could snap my fingers and make a decision: recover or die, i'd just die. I don't want to make it to 40. I look at my dad, I look at so many adults in my life, and they're lifes look so empty and pointless. Life is just a battle. Maybe I'm weak but I'd rather just throw in the towel. Julio says I need to build my life after recovery. I may not have friends or family but I need to start from square one and start a new life. I can't fathom where the energy where would come from to make a life.

Julio has never called me too skinny till yesterady. I said I was hesistant about treatment because I didn't want to gain weight (amongst other reasons). He said yes, I'd have to gain weight. But I'm too skinny and I'll need to learn to take the focus off the weight. I've complained about worrying about gaining weight before and he's never said I'm too skinny before. I was suprised to hear him comment about my weight. I wonder if that's because of my recent weight loss. I think my scale is off so I can't tell how much I weigh, but I feel pretty weak and tired lately; a sure sign I'm losing. Plus I'm always walking around school a lot.

I missed philosophy for drug doctor today. I talked to teacher so it was a.o.k but I dont' know what I'm going to do in the future because the only time my doc comes in is during class. No updates with drug doc. He refilled meds and said he liked school and called me creative and bright.

Tonight I babysit. I dread it but it means stealing food and money to pay for the binge food. I'm so tired. I just keep crying because I'm such a failure.