2004-10-03, 5:00 p.m.
I went to lunch with my sister today. We had a good talk. She seemed kind of like "Okay..what is this about?" But I got a lot of questions out, and we got a lot of tears out.
First, I asked her about sex. I asked her when she was first interested in it. She told me, but she told me if I was going to ask her these things then I need to tell her why I'm asking these things. I told her I feel defected because I'm not interested in sex and it seems like all my friends around me are. She told me people get interseted at different ages, and it's perfectly normal. I'm still not so sure if I'm some kind of freak, but it was good to have someone to talk to it about.
Then I asked her some more family related questions. I asked her what I was like as a kid. She said I was much more outgoing then I am now. She said somewhere down the line, at 13 or 14, I just drew into my shell. At 7 or 8 I would ride my bike down the street and talk to anyone and very outgoing. But something happened, something, where I just got almost TOO shy, too self-concious. I thought that was interseting.
She said maybe it was because when she was 13 or 14, she remembered how my mom treated her and she decided that she would just not let it affect her. She remembered an incident where my mom flipped out at her and she said "What's wrong with you? don't you care about me?" and my mom replied with "Why would I? Why would I care about anything but me?" From that moment on, my sister decided she would have nothing to do with my mom. But me, on the other hand, took my mom completely different. I internalized it, and was much more sensitive. I found that very true. I couldn't hide and run away from my mom and not let it bother me. I just broke down and hated everything about my home. It affected me more deeply and differently then my sister.
I asked my sister the moment she realized my mom wasn't sane. She said yes, when she was 5. When she was playing at a neighbors and the neighbor gave my sister a hot dog. My mom came screaming over and was screaming at the neighbor about how that's going to make my sister sick, how she can never come over there again. My sister was humilated and hurt. That's when she realized my mom wasn't normal.
My sister asked me what happened that one day, freshmen year, when my "church friends" tried to get me "commited" to a hospital. I knew she was reffering to the time when Christiie found out I was cutting myself and had to get evaluated. I told her from start to finish. It was cool how she felt open to ask me. I told my sister about the times at my youth leader's place, and my Dad would come by and ask me to come home, and say he loved me. I told my sister how I wanted to come home, but I just couldn't, and how that was just too little, too late. She completely understood and we just nodded and got teary eyed in the restaurant because we understood how our dad was. My dad just doesn't get that you can't ignore the problem till it blows up in your face, then expect for me to come home.
She told me about the time my dad got out spread sheets, brought up christmas gifts, and times my dad changed my sister's oil(with labor fee's calculated)) - to compare that the amount of money he gave to my sister and the amount of money he gave to my brother was equal. I was blown away. I can't believe he'd calculate gifts, totally throwing out love, to make up for the lack of funds he's provided for my sister. My dad is such an engineer. Not to mention a tightwad. He'll ignore the fact that he lets my mom blow money on whatever she wants to avoid a conflict, but will shake his finger at me whenever I need money for necessities.
My sister ended the conversation with saying that she's concerned about how thin I am. My dad has told my sister that I'm too thin, but has seen me eat a lot sometimes. My sister commented she never see's me eat. She asked me if my "lack of appetite" was related to meds, or if something else. I lied and said I didn't know. This was a topic I was not going to open up on. Not yet, atleast.
She said she wishes I was happy. She doesn't think I enjoy life and wishes I was the outgoing person I use to. I told her I wish I was the old me, too. When she dropped me off, she said we should of had that conversation a lot earlier. Better late then never, I said.