2004-10-31, 8:24 p.m.
I'm eating mike n ikes while trying to sort my thoughts.
Things are not good. How did things go from bad to worse so quickly? I can't remember the last time I was happy. Or had a happy moment. I can't remember the last time I had a good day. Is that reason enough to die? I'm trying to figure that out.
Right now, I'm very torn. I don't know whether or not to call for help or to slink away from everyone I know. If I call for help, what good will it do? Can anyone really help me? Calling for help, really, will just result in someone encouraging me to help myself. I can't help myself. I want someone to totally and completely dedicate their selves into helping me. I know thats an impossible request, but I'm just processing thoughts. If I push what's left of the people in my life away, then that makes ending my life easier. That way, I don't worry so much about how it will affect them, and they arent so affected.
In the back of my head, I wonder if I should bring all these thoughts up to Julio. My mind is scaring me. I've never felt so low, so distant, so helpless and hopeless. But then that voice in my back of my head says, "he can't help you. give up." God, I'm like pocessed. I remember when I talked to my pastor and he said there was like a demon on my shoulder feeding me bad thoughts. Maybe I should go talk to my Pastor again. But all he'll want to do is pray. and I don't want to pray. I don't believe in that stuff. I'm so confused.
I feel lost and alone and scared and confused and hopeless and tired and I don't want to do one more day.