2005-02-05, 11:10 p.m.
Day five of no bingeing, and day 4 of drugs. There still keeping me away from the food, but I'm not feeling too hot today. I don't know if it's the diet pills or going so long on not too much food. I'm pretty worn out, my legs and back feel achey, and I get out of breath super easy. It's scary how much my hands are shaking. It looks like I'm faking it, but I can't make them stop trembling so severely. Today I felt pretty low mentally, too. For about an hour I just laid on the couch trying to think of something to do. I didn't want to move. I finally got up when my dad asked if I wanted to play monoply with my brother.
This morning my dad and I got in a fight on the way to the grocery store. He wanted me to listen to a radio clip online about some special vitamin that cures depression, or something. I was irritated as soon as he brought it up. Somehow we got onto his insurance and how I'll have to be paying for my medications soon because I won't be on his insurance plan for much longer. The whole idea is frightening. He also yelled at me that I'm not even doing anything to get off my anti-depressants. I asked him what he wanted me to do. He said research alternative methods. By then we were at the grocery store, so as I was getting out of the car, I said back "Well there is a bit too much going on in my life to think about that". I think as I was marching towards the grocery store, he said "Like what, going to college?" But I missed the last half to know for sure. When he caught up with me the grocery store he said "You can't have it both ways, Melissa. You can't expect me to support you and at the same time not let me help you." I just kept walking silently.
To spite him, I put in low carb yogurt and sleeping pills in the cart. I don't know if he gets the hint, but I'm a wreck.
My bones are getting sharper. When I wrap my arms around myself, my rib bones poke back. My collar bones portude slighty out from chest. I'm getting there. To where? I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing and what my mission is. I don't know how I ever use to weigh 5 lbs less then this. I feel like shit now. All I know is that I need to lose 10.