2005-02-07, 8:50 p.m.
I'm beginning to feel a total and complete lack of hope. I feel strongly that life is completely and utterly meaningless. With those thoughts, my existance is a burdan. My thoughts are hateful towards myself and sad and angry towards the world. I'm tired. Each movement I take takes a lot of energy and is carefully thought out. I don't want to do anything anymore but I don't want to sit still. I'm incredibly anxious and can't sleep. I cried horribly hard last night. I was imagining Julio asking me how I was this week at our appt, as usual. Then I pictured myself saying "Great! Tonight my boyfriend is taking me out. Before that, my friends and I are getting our nails done. Yesterday my dad and I went to lunch and I had fettuchini alfredo and cheesecake. I always treat myself to dessert once a week and never gain a pound! After that my mom and I went shopping. She's so cool and fun to shop with." Then I just cried.
My dad has stopped paying for my brother's school books, personal food, and classes while he's living with us. He's 24 and went to Berkely for 4 1/2 years and has still not graduated. This worries me. Not about my brother, but about me. Will my dad cut me off soon?
The loneliness cuts in deep. As lame as it sounds, if I don't have my dad supporting me, I have no one. I have no friends, no family, NO ONE in my life. I'm not good on my own.
I feel like I'm starting to lose it. Jumping at every sound I hear, barely caring about my appearence, looking over my shoulder constantly, hardly eating, not sleeping. I don't feel like Melissa is inhabiting my body. I feel at a distant looking down. I feel spacey and careless.
I don't feel like my last few entries have been coherent. I just don't know how to describe what's going. Is this what it feels like to be at the end of your rope? It's just like everytime I realize I'm alive, my heart sinks and my stomach turns.