2005-02-12, 1:19 a.m.
I'm beginning to see without much difficulty, that my body isn't holding up well. At all.
The first sign is this awful depression. I've been struggling with depression for years now, but not this kind. This is the kind where I want to lye in bed all day, I have no energy or desire to do anything, and I don't want to see or talk to anyone. I've lost meaning in life and nothing makes me happy anymore. I can't sleep. I don't feel like eating. I'm hard to talk to because I've forgotten how to do it properly.
Then like fireworks, the physical problems come: one by one till you're expierencing them all at once and you're so overwhelmed by it all. Except I'm not watching any show. This is the reality of my life going completely out of control. Take a seat and watch the madness.
First I eased my way into hunger pains, headaches, and eventually feeling light headed.
That led to shaking hands, cold hands and feet, seeing spots.
Then the spots increased, got very dizzy when stood up. It is very hard to walk around without being exhausted.
Then it was like WAM. Everything hit me at once. I woke up one morning, and my whole body wouldn't quit shaking. The exhaustion was horrible. I couldn't quit crying. Everytime I stood up everything would go black for a second. When I walked, my legs felt wobbly. I can't stop compulsively picking everything on my body. My arms, my legs, my chest, my face. I look absolutely awful. I try to cover my face with makeup but believe me it doesn't help. I have a giant scabs. Thank god for long sleeve and pants because my thighs have little scabs all over and my arms look identical due to the squeezing and picking. It's all red, swollen, and painful. My hands are drawn to everywhere that's not flat. Very bad habit. Bloody tissues fill my trashcan.
But when I was blacking out and very wobbly was two days ago. Today, my legs still wobbled as I stepped in the shower, but I felt a little better. However, the picking is getting so much worse and my mouth hurts so BAD. It feels like the back sides of my tongue is raw and my whole mouth just generally hurts and aches. I thought this was odd because this is now 11 days without purging and now I'm feeling pain. Argh, cruel irony. So when I pulled up to my house from the drive from school, I examined my mouth in the vanity mirror. I carefully opened my sore mouth, and what I found shocked me...to tears. My bottem front teeth, and bottem left teeth's gums are eroding. Bad. I put my finger up to one of worse parts to see if it was the culprit and cringed at the pain. Right here, black and white proof, that bulimia caught up to me. I took a deep look at my disapearing gums. All I could think about was over a year of nightly purging and look through my driver window at the pouring rain. I thought it was unfair that I was such a bad person and still dry inside of my car. There I was, dry, a horrible person who can't do anything right, and sitting dry and warm. So then I sat outside of my car to cry instead.