2005-02-15, 9:55 p.m.
I want to rate today as one of my top worse 50 days. I don't know if I can though, because all of my days are so shitty they kind of bunch together in shittiness.
I woke up so exhausted from getting about 15 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. I went to a Bright Eye's show last night with that girl, Jen, from the ED meetings. It was an awesome, great, great time. We left at two to go shop down town a bit. I bought some perfume and she bought some stuff too. Later we killed time getting dinner which was awkward because I didn't know how much to get or how much she was going to get. Then we headed off to the show which was amazing. I think Jen and I really hit it off. We really opened ourselves up to eachother about a lot of personal things from our past about our ED's, parents, and everything else on our mind's. We laughed so much that evening. THAT night was easily one of the best nights of my life. She said I should come over one day and I'm so happy she wants to persue this friendship.
Not to throw a downer on this story, but on to today. I woke up very tired to go to my 12:45 class. I peed, stepped on the scale, and very suprised to see myself a meer 2 pounds above my lowest weight ever. I think I was only at 78 pounds at one point because I was dehydrated, and it was only for one day as well(I jumped to 80 the next day). As usual, I shakily got into the shower.
The rest of the day snowballed. When I got to school I barely was able to walk to psychology. I didn't take a single note the whole time, and struggled to study for my math test which was 10 minutes after psychology. The whole day I swear I wasn't being paranoid about the feeling of people starring at me. After that class was over, I walked into math by two girls at the door. One of them whispered to the girl next to her "skinny freak". I turned around and both of them were starring at me not nicely. I glared but I was so exhausted I just kept walking. Why did I feel like a million eyes were on me? The teacher gave me a sympathetic smile. WHAT WHAT WHAT?
The longer the test went on, the more the numbers blurred and got difficult to figure out. Do I divide or subtract this? what happened to my x over here? Everything got really confusing and I decided not to check my answers and turn in the test, leaving the last couple blank. The teacher makes us leave our backpacks and belongings on the side of the room, so I went to collect my things. I turned in my test, bent down to pick up my purse, and stood up and nearly fell over. Everything spun and went black. I grabbed the wall and when the teacher starred, thankfully there were only about 3 other students left, I just said "oops, tripped on my strap" and rushed out.
I walked as fast as I could out and to my car, which was probably slower than normal speed, and everytime I glanced up I swear someone was looking. Maybe I was being paranoid but it just made me more frustrated. When I got into my car I just started crying. Bawling is more like it. I stuck my car key in the engine and turned it enough for the radio to come on. A commercial came on that sung a tune that said "This is how life should be..." I yelled and cried a big fuck you at my radio. I changed the station, started my car, got my head on straight, and drove home.
I called my ride to the ED meeting tonight, then canceled. Then I called my dad and told him I didn't pay a fee on time and got dropped from one of my classes. Then I read my e-mail and saw that Julio replied to my e-mail about the diet pill I was on. He said:
"As I thought this is a stimulant. I dont know anything about its chemical structure and such but I do know that you probably will get addicted to it if you keep using it.
If it helped get you started on not purging great, but you are not dealing with the primary problem of the eating disorder.
Get into a program.
90 meetings in 90 days, or a day treatment program, or a inpatient program.
I just got a card announcing a new eating disorder program at Loma Linda University
This hospital has an excellent reputation.
They are having an open house on Thursday, Feb 24
Call and see who the open house is for, ie potential patients or professional staff, or both.
They will give you information about it.
Fuck this fucking world and all these problems. Why do I have to go to a meeting, get dropped from my class for a 4 dollar fee, and go to an open house when he's the doctor? So I took a nap.
I wonder when I see him next. I wonder how more weight I'll have lost by then. Current bmi is 15.1.