Digging up memories
2005-03-25, 10:27 p.m.

I will update for the sake of updating.
Spring break is starting. I am so, so relieved. I couldn't be more ready for time off from school. One more test and I think I might lose it in a classroom. I had a test in Math on thursday and I tried my hardest, but I could barely pull the will together to fill out the answers. each line of algebra was like stirring me awake as I just fell asleep, or dangling food infront of a starving animal for days. I was finished and ready to get out of there. But today I had English, which wasn't bad.
I saw Julio on Wednesday. Since then I've been thinking a lot about some of the stuff we talked about at the appt. We talked about some childhood memories, which I know is very therapy cliche, but it's stirred up some feelings i've never considered before. I can't stop wondering why I'm mad at my dad for things that happened when I was a child...esp memories that don't involve him. I guess I feel like he had some responsibility to protect me from my mom or raise me better, or properly. And if he did raise me properly, like "normal" kids get raised, I wouldn't of had so many incidents where I got hurt. But it's the past, I should let it go. But I look back at the child Melissa at various ages and I am sad for her. I look at child Melissa and get mad at my dad for hurting the child of me. Is that totally lame? It sounds so therapy set up stupid. I don't know. I can't stop diving into my brain and trying to dig up memories. I keep trying to remember stuff from long ago and remember ages and place him there but I draw a blank. Any childhood memories I recall don't take place in my house or involve him. Odd?
I e-mailed Julio with some questions about this. I don't really feel like Julio answered my questions in his reply, but I'm glad I e-mailed him without being afraid. I asked Julio how one could forgive another if they're still angry and can't give up that anger (reffering to myself). I also asked when is it unreasonable to hold anger, for how long I mean (my dad?) He responded with talking about directing my anger at my dad, not myself, and how it's healthy to feel anger blah blah. But he said we should talk about this more, which I'm glad.
I wish I could sleep.