everything is a wreck
2005-04-06, 6:38 p.m.

Julio yelled at me today. I am very hurt by this. I feel partially responsible for this "raising of voice" occurance, but still very, very hurt that he took that tone at me.
He was trying to explain this theory of OCD where those with OCD have three "buckets": a good, bad, and one he calls "silly". The good bucket is obsessive and compulsions that are good and productive. The bad are things that control your life, hurt you, stuff like that. The silly things are compulsions and obsessions that don't do any harm..maybe like having to skip a stair everytime you go down your stairs, or avoiding cracks, or washing your arm pits twice, whatever. I was kind of making a mockery out of this bucket theory. He said I needed to figure out where my obsessions and compulsions land, and because he was drawing this on a paper and I started drawing on it. I drew on the "good" bucket a line that was near the bottem, and said I have no good. Then I drew on the bad and silly, a line near the top, and said I have 50/50 for those. I said "There, I found out where they land. I'm done." He seemed a bit annoyed, but I continued. I drew an A+. He kind of followed along and drew a smiley face next to it, like teachers do. I then wrote 100%, and a star, and kind of doodled while he talked. Then I proceeded to circle his smiley, and he bumped my hand away in irritation. The paper I have from our session, shows a smiley face with a lobsided circle.
He then told me maybe we should focus on talking about what I DO have rather than what I DON'T have. Like, getting my mother's psychosis. So I said, okay, let's talk about this than. He said, we are, you're free to talk about anything on this subject. I said "I don't know what to say on this subject". I honestly didn't. I wasn't sure what this had to do with my fears of my eating disorder, how bad things are getting, and he was blabbing on how about if you get an urge to do an obsession you need to fight it...I thought that was bullshit. He pointed to a sign on his while that had cross out over "I don't know", meaning you can't say that in his office. I responded, negatively, angry, "Well than this is going to be a very long..."I looked at his clock for the remaninging time of our session, "35 min. I don't know" He said "You know me better than that. Tell me what you're thinking."
So I did. I told him EXACTLY what I was thinking and that's what made him yell at me. "I'm thinking I don't know what this has to do with anything. I'm thinking that the whole idea of just fighting off the urge to do something is a load of bullshit." he said:
"you think i'm feeding you shit" um..ouch? I didn't mean it like that. He asked me what I was thinking!
"well, i can't just will myself to stop."
He blabbed on about the program and doing all the shit I know you're suppose to do, but when I was HONEST again, he got mad. I said I don't feel like it works. I feel like I am in a black hole. This is never going to get better. I'm barely fighting anymore. I don't know what to do.
He then spoke loudly "I'm telling you what to do you're just dismissing it!"
"I KNOW. But I don't feel like this works. I'm stuck with this for life."
"Then you should go to residential. I don't know Melissa, we were going to do the whole residential thing, but then you were making steps towards treatment, not purging, going to meetings, making a friend, but now you have this defeated attitude.
"Than why would I want to go to resdiential if I have a defeated attitude. I'd be going in fighting the program."
"Because they'd give you the tools!" he was still yelling.
"Cool, you know, just keep yelling. That really makes me feel better."
"I've been hard on you before."
"And it really made me feel better than, too." I take a tissue, I'm crying harder now.
"I'm sorry for raising my voice." Julio said.
I'm silent for a moment, but say "it's okay." I don't know if I mean it.
The rest of the time we talk about relationships and how I'm not ready for a deep individual relationship. I fight and say i don't care and I want one.
Afterwards I went to Christie's. I saw the place she's moving into and her new couches. I was okay at first, but about halfway into the time we were there, I basically shut down. I wanted to cry. The house was so nice. I wanted a bedroom. Her and her boyfriend are sharing a room, and there are two other rooms for two other girls. One of those should be mine. I hate myself so much for not getting my act together to have money to move in with them. It hurt so bad to come to my family tonight.
I failed my math test. I got it back yesterday. I studied really hard.
Basically, on the way home from Christies, I was seriously contemplating driving my car into the brick wall on the side of the road. But I figured the front of my car is too long so I don't think I would die, just smash up a very useful object in my life. And I don't mean me.