2005-08-02, 4:59 p.m.
I'm feeling really emotionally drained at the moment. My appointment with Julio today went really horrible. I just got home and there are so many thoughts racing through my head and so many emotions. I wish I could re-do the hour. Better, or something. I don't know. It just went horribly wrong somehow.
I went in feeling pretty depleated and strung out on diet pills. I don't think that really made a difference in the appointment except I was kind of rambling at some points.
We started the appointment talking about my recent moods this past weekend of being really anxious and angry at everything...like I wrote in my last entry. That led to talking about my dad and feeling guilty about telling him about my eating disorder because I don't want to upset him and what not. THAT led to talking about telling him, and how I, specifically don't want to tell my dad and how I wanted Julio to tell my dad when we all sit down in our appointment prior to me going into treatment.
This is where it all went wrong. Julio has been pressuring me via e-mail to tell my dad before we sit down and I was telling Julio I couldn't physically form the words and I can't speak about it. Julio told me before all of this that he would tell my dad when we sat down about my eating disorder and how I need to go to treatment. I asked him straight out if he could tell him for me because I'd be too scared. He agreed. At any rate, we started to talk about why it would be important for me to be the one to tell him versus Julio. I said I couldn't see any reason except for my dad's sake, but Julio argued that I have been hiding this for so long from everyone and as part of my recovery and treatment this is a necessary step to "come out" and say it. He said I needed to "participate".
Somewhere amongst all this discussion, I grew silent. We were silent for a good 5 minutes and I became angry and hurt and felt betrayed. I felt like the person who was suppose to be supporting me had just walked away from my side. I didn't want to keep on with this conversation and try to convince Julio to tell my dad for me, because that's just stupid and not right. However, I was still hurt. I was under the impression he was going to do it for me and that took a lot of sress off of me. Finally I broke the silence and said "I can participate."
pause.
"I don't.." I tried to think of my words carefully.
"I just feel" I paused again.
"You feel?" Julio pressed.
"It's stupid." I said.
"Tell me."
"I feel alone?" I questioned myself, laughed, but I was crying.
"You feel betrayed?"
"Yes" I probably said yes a little too quickly, but that was the word i was looking for.
"I was under the impression you said you could tell my dad. and I feel stupid sitting here trying to convince you to tell my dad for me." Julio then said he probably gave me that impression and he needs to reconsider because it's probably necessary blah blah and I said "I can see your point because it's probably my responsibility."
From there, we talked things out a little. One thing in the conversation sticks out in my mind. I think Julio said something like
"I want you to feel as if you can ask me for help, but" I cut Julio off, crying:
"I don't want to ask you to do anything, anymore!"
"Come on, don't do that. Don't throw our relationship out the window."
"I swear I'm not trying to be manipulative"
"I didn't say that"
"I know, but I probably sound like. I just feel so..I don't know..."
"It's okay for you to be angry at me."
I was a little angry.
"I'm not angry. I'm more...confused then anything." I wanted to say hurt rather then confused, but I felt dumb getting hurt over our relationship.
We kind of figured things out. Julio wants to think about things, and came to a middle ground in the mean time. I have the option of writing my dad a letter to give him when we meet. I told Julio that I keep thinking of times in the past where I pushed myself in midst of hard times and I just feel so depleated I don't know if I can do that. I told him I'm ready to jump off a frekin bridge. He said he understood how hard this is and he doesn't want to make this anymore hurtful than it is, but he doesn't want to take away opportunities. He just doesn't know if I should tell him now or if later is appropriate[like, talking about it out loud later].
At any rate, he wants me e-mail him a draft of what i would write. He is going to call the hospital to find about consultation appointments because I don't want to meet with my dad till we find out about their availability.
I want to e-mail Julio or something and apologize. Except I'm scared and feel dumb and don't know what to say. I just want to make sure things are okay. I just remember sitting there in silence with Julio I felt so alone. Like, cool, the only person I trust isn't supporting me as much as I thought. He isn't by my side as much as I thought. I seriously felt like killing myself right there..and getting up and leaving. I thought to myself, okay, well if the only support system in my life doesn't care then I'm going to kill myself. Tonight. I need to get a grip..oy.
I'm probably over-reacting. I'm trying to figure out what upset me so much. I think in general, right now, I'm just overly upset. When Julio and I were talking about one subject, I wanted to talk about a zillion things at once. I wanted to talk about how everything feels bad and how I just want everything to disapear and how I want to die. I just feel emotionally overwhelmed and it's hard to pinpoint every little thing that's bothering me.
Tonight I'm going to a meeting then on a bike ride with the girl I slept over at over the weekend. I'm waiting to hear from her to see if she wants to go with me to the meeting. I hope she comes. I don't want to go alone and I think she'd get more out of it then she'd think.
oi. Julio probably thinks I'm a freak. I think i'm a freak. I care too much about my relationship with my therapist.