two steps back. re:IP
2005-08-11, 2:32 p.m.

I've been neglecting this diary.
Things have been a wreck as of late. It probably started when I had a bad reaction to my psych meds and was on the couch all day feeling nauseous. The day after I took the drugs I still felt depleated. I guess it was a reality check how much this eating disorder is kicking me in the butt. I think I might've wrote about that a little in my last entry? Anyway, I hung out with Danielle and I just felt weak and w/out energy. My body felt sluggish all day, and to prep to hang out with her, I had to load up on diet pills.
That's my other problem. My eating habits are out of control and draining. I can't eat unless I purge, but lately I've been too drained to purge, and without eating I'm feeling even shittier. To get energy, I usually take diet pills but I'm not liking how those make me feel lately. I just feel this weird hollow sicky feeling inside, and sometimes they keep me up way too late at night. Sometimes I'll end up bingeing even when I'm exhausted, and the purge goes awful.
A few nights ago I had a late night binge, probably due to diet pills keeping me up but not taking my appetite away enough, and the purge went horrible. I was anxious and totally not feeling like purging. My mind kept skipping and I was unable to focus on purging. The longer I was in the bathroom, the hotter I got, and the longer I felt like the purge was screwed and didn't care if I took longer. I ended up taking way too long to purge the large binge. I picked apart my whole fucking body. I kept squeezing, tearing, and picking my arms, chest, legs, face, and stomach. When I finally got out of the bathroom, the skin of my body was throbbing and my muscles were sore and tired. I was going to try to sleep for several hours, but I ended up only getting 5 or 6 hours because I still felt wired.
I thought I would swear off bingeing, or atleast give myself a break for a day or so, but that afternoon I binged again. I didn't even take a shower before it all started. I just got up at 12, sat on the computer, and binged around 3. I showered at about 4:30/5 and went to a meeting at 7.
Last night I went to bed at 5 AM. My sleep scheduel is all screwed up. I didn't binge last night, but I did during the day. I also went on a night bike ride with Danielle, which was really fun. It was refreshing and nice to get out and nice to see Danielle.
I also saw Julio yesterday. I found out the inpatient hospital we were looking into, that takes 100% of my insurance, doesn't really have an eating disorder program. Though their website advertises one, they just only have one doctor that specializes in ED's and I would be put in general psych ward. They just called Julio to inform him of that little tidbit of helpful info. Julio said that is exactly what he didn't want; for me to be put into a general psych ward. I don't want that either. I want a place that specializes in ED's. So now we have back tracked on progress in regards to finding a program which is really disapointing. Julio has moved down on our list of programs now, but now I guess we'll have to call those and find out if they take our insurance. I think they're calling South Coast Medical Center and the Rader Center. The person who has been doing the phone calls for me (Julio's wife/works there) was expressing how frustrating it is to think were close but then the more you find out the more you realize this isn't what you want. I was so spacey yesterday when seeing Julio - due to off sleep scheduel and just draining my body from b/ping so much - I was just politely nodding and trying to express how much I appreciated them calling and I sympathized. But I don't know how much emotion my face showed. I felt kind of in a daze. Julio is going to be on vacation next week so I won't see him for a couple weeks. But they said any info they get on programs Julio will correspond via e-mail.
Today I took a shower before coming downstairs to try to keep myself from bingeing before my shower and in the afternoon. Sometimes I'll be like "eh, who cares. I'll binge, purge, then shower." But now i'm clean and I think it helps because I don't feel like eating. plus i think I've gained weight so I don't want to eat. I also took my diet pills to try to keep my appetite down. I'm also telling myself if I want to binge I can do it tonight.
I just need a break. I feel like I've been on one long binge/purge for a week straight.