2005-08-22, 4:01 a.m.
i seriously just want to fucking kill myself right now.
i want to kill every part of me that is wrong and screwed up and can't function properly. i hate who i am. i hate feeling this way and so screwed up and so aware of how screwed up I am.
I want so badly to turn things around completely and make myself a normal functioning human being. I want to be able to have a job and have friends. I want to be able to effortlessly get out of the house, be happy, walk into the kitchen without freaking out over bugs, and eat a meal without freaking out over the calorie and contents. These are things every human adult do on a daily basis but these are the things that make life a nightmare for me. Because I can't work and because I'm so alone...Because I have no energy and I feel as if our kitchen is contaminated with dirt and bugs...and Because I eat and throw up everything I simply just want to kill myself. The things in life that are suppose to be so little make my life unliveable.
I am tired of being so screwed up. Every evening that goes by that I go to sleep at 4 AM, 5 AM, and yesterday (or technically this morning) I didn't go to bed till 9-fucking-AM, I stress and freak out. It throws off my next day and makes me feel not normal.
Not only that, but all day today I felt terribly run down. The sad thing is I don't know if it's because I've gotten 9-10 hours of sleep in the last 2 evenings, or because I've lost weight or maybe I've gained weight. I can't tell. Maybe I've maintained. maybe i feel like shit because of just my poor eating habits in general. Maybe my body is sore and tired from standing over the toilet in one spot for so many hours for so many evenings because of my marathon sloppy purges. Maybe I think my body feels run down but it's really just the outter skin being sore from picking at it so much. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. I just know something is terribly not right. Everything feels off. My mood is off and my body is off. I feel depressed and distant. I keep wanting to break down and sob. I feel so hopeless and like giving up. I can't focus and everything is slowed down. It's like I physically an't speed up my speech or movement. My body is run down as well. It's stiff and sore. It feels like I just took a long run because the muscles hurt, and the outside skin is hurt from picking. I can't tell if I've gained or lost weight because it seems like i've just taken a different shape. Like I've gained weight, but I'm not fatter - just fitter. But I haven't been working out enough to take that form. It's like I've finally hit puberty - a more curvy firm body. I hate it.
I'm a broken record telling myself I just want to die but it's never been more true. I'm not wanted in my home. My mom ignores me and I mean I don't expect her to love or show affection for me but it's so painful to watch her mental illness take over her and me fade into the background. It's so painful to watch my dad do nothing. I don't know if I had some background hope that maybe, eventually, if she got bad enough he'd do or say something but despite how bad she gets and how much she hurts me with insults, he's silent and won't step in. Though my dad and I spend time together he'll never understand me as a person nor show me the love and attention I want. Whenever we talk you can tell he isn't listening and his wants are always a priority. He does a lot for me, yes, but he doesn't do the things that matter. Sometimes I think I would drop dead if he would notice when I was hurting or having a bad day. If he asked me how I was feeling or asked me my opinion on something. I think I would die of shock. If my dad ever came up to my room on one of those afternoons I was sleeping in till 2 because i was up till 5 purging, and said he was concerned, or asked if i was okay, or asked if i wanted to get out of the house, or any-fucking-thing, i would just hug him. Because on those days sometimes I want to so badly cry to him and say I'm scared and I'm sad and I'm tired of sleeping and things aren't good make this stop. Julio is so dead on when he says I still have a wish for him to come rescue me. I never really agreed with that or saw that, but he's so dead on. I think I'm so desperate for help and companionship and understanding and for someone to see my pain. I don't do things for people to give me attention or whatever, I just want someone to be there.
I'm so shocked it's 4:20 AM and i'm up. I went to bed at 9 this morning and woke up at 2. I was tired at like, 9 this evening and thought I would go to bed a long time ago. I didn't purge today, thank god. I wasn't very hungry today, which is a shock. Im going to go to bed now.