vomiting on myself
2005-09-01, 7:48 p.m.

Ugh what a day. I went to bed around 4 AM as I usually do and I had a class at 11. My alarm didn't go off so I woke up at 10, and left my house at 10:50. I was late for my first nutrition class. The class itself wasn't bad, I was just anxious and tired. I took one stacker 3 but I wanted to fall asleep. After class, I got frozen yogurt and was 10 cents short, I was embarresed as I searched my bag for loose change. The girl smiled and said "don't worry about it". I shuffled out embarresed. At home, I was hungry for something else other then frozen yogurt. I made popcorn and then wanted more food. I felt guilty so I took another stacker 3. But I had already started with food so I had my frozen yogurt.
I had to leave for school in about 10 min, but I wanted to purge because I felt like I ate too much food too early in the day. It was about 1:40. Then my mind starts fucking with me and says, well, if you're going to purge you might as well eat a little something more. I went to the kitchen and microwaved some left over mash potatoes with veggies and sandwiched it between two pieces of bread with two eggs. Then I had a hot pocket and the rest of my snickers icecream. Inbetween eating the very hot, hot pocket I ate cheez its.
By then I decided there was no way I'd make it to class on time. This was my second day of creative writing but I was like "ah. well. fuck it." I don't even know why I'm bothering with school. My purge was..in a sense..horrible.
The first puke I somehow managed to get puke all down my skirt. I think I coughed or something, or maybe it just very liquidy. It also totally went up my nose. So imagine puke all around the toilet and town my skirt and on my arm. I was like..great. I took my skirt off and ran the bath and stuck it in there, and finished up. The rest of the session went smoother but I was pretty upset. After I cleaned up, I did a load of laundry with my wet skirt and took a nap. I was feeling pretty tired and out of it. I think my chemicals were out of wack or something. I probably should've drank something but I was just feeling depressed.
When I woke up, I got a call from Danielle asking about the bike ride we were suppose to go on tonight. I said I was too tired because I was feeling really too tired. I ironically got frozen yogurt with my dad later tonight and it's now sitting in the freezer. I just ate popcorn and am trying not to let myself binge tonight. I am feeling way too tired. I should take my luvox and sleeping pills. Yesterday I e-mailed Julio saying I was feeling really torn about wanting to take my diet pills and he told me to flush them down the toilet and said "please, honey don't hurt yourself." it was kind of nice to hear him care like that. I feel so guilty that I took them today, though I didn't take them yesterday in response to the emails. I thanked him for caring and he responded by saying he does care but I need to care about myself too. I don't know how I just start to care about myself. I just hate myself so much.