Drugging up and down, outpatient appt
2005-09-08, 9:06 a.m.

Ugh a fugh. I slept like hell last night. I imagine it's because I took a stacker at like, 5 PM. But I needed to get through the evening. I was also suprised that I really didn't have an urge to b/p last night and went to bed w/out fighting the craving. However, I also slept fitfully. I should've taken sleeping pills. I have a class at 11 today and another at 2:20 and I'm just like GOD NO. I'm so not up for it and so can't miss either. I keep telling myself just to tough it out but it's like I'm DONE toughing things out. I can't anymore. I'm going to try to artificially energize myself but that just makes me feel ew and nauseous. I also hardly even react to caffiene anymore and instead just get kind of sleepy, out of it, and ill. Yay for trying anyway.
I feel like eating and throwing up right now and I don't know why. I just wanted to say my truth since this is my journal.
I saw Julio on Tuesday. I was oddly really energized so it was an odd appointment. I mean, it was a normal appointment it was just mel x 10 because I hadn't eaten all day, had 2 stackers, and drank two diet rock stars. I was unusually chipper. I did manage to start crying at one point, though. Whenever he gets compassionate I start to cry. I was talking about how I was upset the other evening over my dad and how I felt so stupid for being upset over trying to get this "daddy-girl" relationship at 19. That i keep trying and how pathetic it looks. Like...don't I get the hint by now? And how there's bigger stuff to cry over then parent relationships and I don't know why it bothers me so much but it makes me so sad. I said something like 'I feel so dumb' and he said 'Oh, no, sweety. It's not dumb' And that just made me all weepy. I just see myself saying to my dad all the time "Hey Dad! Let's do this! And dad, let's go out and do that..." and trying to tell him stories and getting totally rejected...and it's like...K GIVE UP. The other day my dad made a "joke" after I rambled telling this story along the lines of: "i don't care about your personal life" and i'm like "k..".
I got an e-mail from Julio on Wednesday, yesterday, that said:
"You have a tentative appointment for an interview (not admission) with the lady below.

Rita [Last Name], program coordinator [Phone Number]; has sched tentative appt for Melissa 09/13 @ 11 at [Name] Hosp; this is a "see if this is a match interview", no charge to the client; address [blah blah]; in the [building]; [website];

Get your self there.
Since I'm doing outpatient now, I guess, this is just to see if I qualify for the program or whatever. I'm so effing scared. The messed up part of me wants to lose as much weight as possible before then. gah.
I replied to that email with:
"Holyyy shit!"