2005-09-12, 12:46 a.m.
I'm going nuts. I'm going to rip out my fucking hair. I don't want to live like this anymore. Seriously, someone fucking kill me if I repeat another day like this. I know I'm going to live another day like this because this is all I do so someone just fucking kill me already.
Someone please give me something to do tomorrow. Give me suggestions on things to do alone...Like just places to walk around, productive things to accomplish, or craft projects. FUCKING SOMETHING. I know of somethings I should do but I don't want to do any of it and I need some ideas before I spend another day like these past few days. I know I should wash my car and I know I should write Kaitlee. I know I COULD watch that DVD and call up a few people but I just don't want to. I almost walked around the beach but it's too lonely. I need things like that suggested to me. Productive things or things outside or exercise type things or craft things.
Instead I'm sitting around on the computer or sleeping or getting frozen yogurt just to throw it up again or just bingeing and purging all evening WHEN I'M NOT EVEN HUNGRY ANYMORE. And i'm so tired. I'm so bloody tired. It's even harder to get motivation to accomplish things during the day all by my bloody self when I'm so tired. Why do I have NO FUCKING ENERGY? I drank 3 sugar free red bulls (I didn't take a diet pill today because the idea of one today made me nauseous) and I still got NO ENERGY FROM 3 RED BULLS. WHAT THE FUCK. I was just so so tired. I felt like I could barely move all day. Just dragging around dead weight. I wanted to go on a walk because I felt sooo fat but I didn't have the energy. COOL. AWESOME. Too tired to exercise is just AWESOME and not being able to get the energy is even more AWESOME. If I had a friend or a better activity I might of been able to drag my ass to do it.
I just want to cry. I hate my life. I called up Rod from church, my old youth pastor, and wanted to see if I could visit. We agreed on a time and I planned to go at 4:30. The ironic thing is when I started to dial his number i forgot it was Sunday at first. I was like, planning to visit him while he was at work...but it worked out because he was going back to the office to set up for high school group this evening. I'm so out of it I don't even know what day of the week it is. However, I got so tired I took a nap and slept through the time I was suppose to go visit him. I haven't seen him forever and he was so nice to me on the phone and I ASKED TO GO SEE HIM and I slept through it, not even calling him.
No wonder I have no friends. I'm such a rude bitch.
I keep waking up every day, not wanting to wake up, trying to force myself to sleep longer because I can't find a reason to get up. It's just another day fighting temptations of food and fighting my hate for my body. It's just too much for me. Plus my dad just makes me feel like shit. I ask him for more money nearly everyday because either a. i need money for binge food because I spent it on binge food previous days or b. i need more money because i spent my money on frozen yogurt and i want more frozen yogurt because that's one of my two safe foods.
frozen yogurt drains a ridiculous hole in my pocket but I love it and eat a lot of it.
Please. Someone. If you read this, sign my guestbook with as many ideas as you can think of. Even if you think it's a bad idea. Even if you think it's not fun because I like to feel like I was produtive. Even if you just say hi. I'm so fucking lonely. This is so pathetic to ask for people to care. It's like, PLEASE LOVE ME.
That's basically how I treat my dad...I keep trying to make him love me and he keeps blatantly pushing me away and I keep trying anyway. Any outsider who might view us interacting would be like "geez, woman, get the hint. you're 19 and you still don't see he doesn't care to spent time with you. get a life outside your dad..like...go party like a normal 19 year old." but all I want is my dad to love me. It's so bloody lame. I intellectualy understand how lame it is but my heart hurts.