The latest
2005-10-21, 7:30 p.m.

i hate updating this diary lately. i don't want to think about what's going on.
i'm still bingeing and purging daily. i'm hiding food in program and puring lunch when i can.
Things have been hard to face in program. i don't want to see how sick i am and how dire of a situation i am. i need to make some changes and i don't want to have to do it. This morning it was just me and Rita, one of the case managers. I got my snack and kind of picked at the yogurt and chopped up banana. When I got my snack I "shaved" it. Meaning: I spooned the yogurt into a bowl and left some in the original container and threw that away. I cut the banana in half, cut the half into little pieces, and only put half of the half into my yogurt. Then I threw the rest of my half in banana peel in the trash. It looked like I took the amount I was suppose to but I threw away a good amount of it. When I went to eat it, I picked at it...still afraid of usual. Rita got on my case about the small snack I had. I told her that it was amount I had written on my food plan but she said I should grab a string cheese or something. I kind of just stared at my bowl. Yesterday she had me add some nuts and I did..but today I felt too fat. She said to me, nicely, "You're not going to be able to do this at this level of treatment, are you?" I started to cry. She asked me what i was thinking and it took me awhile to say "I don't want to do this. I don't want to not be able to do this. I'm tired." She said "You should be tired. Your body is exhausted. You don't seem to realize how serious your body is compromised" I shook my head because I really don't.
Rita and I talked about some of my lowest points of depression. She wants me to do this test that cost 1000 dollars that will test what kind of anti d's I need..some kind of brain scan or something. It will check if I need an SSRI or she thinks I may need an ADD med.
Then Rita had me call my sister. Rita talked to my sister and filled her in with me completely. She told her how about my eating disorder, where I was, and asked her to family group. I'm glad she talked to her but it was so scary. My sister took it really well. Later my sister called me and said she wants to be there for me more an apologized for not involving herself in my life more.
At 3:00 today, I got a call from Oceanaire residential that they want to admit me by Monday. As soon as they get a call from my insurance then I'm good to go..they said..because everything is set on their side.
I didn't call them back.