I left
2005-11-27, 10:58 p.m.

I left Oceanaire. I'm trying to back track in my mind what went down today that led to that decision.
I woke up in a bad mood. I always wake up in a bad mood so I don't know why today's bad mood was any different. We went to Church this morning which I enjoyed because it reminded me of good times and familiar songs. After Church, we had snack. I remember feeling irritable all day because I was constantly hungry. I wanted to binge. I wanted some more food. I felt deprived at meals and snacks. That made me irritable. After snack we had art therapy and I suddenly got really tired when that started. We made origami cranes and I got frustrated because I sucked at it. After making one and crumbling it up, I retreated to my room to nap. I spent most of the day from that point on in bed.
Lunch: We had tortalini which has been a major binge food for me. I ate it consciously knowing I was going to puke it. I looked for an opportunity and snuck off. When I got out, one of the staff was there. She had been bugging me all day with her dumb questions and asking me if I wanted to talk. She said to me: "Melissa, you know you're suppose to ask before using the bathroom" I snapped at her "I know! I don't care!" She followed me into my bedroom and tried to talk. I resisted at first and told her I didn't want to talk but then gave her a little info. After I talked to her I went back into the living room and attempted to socialize and watch TV. After 30 min or so I got irritated and retreated to my room. I tried to sleep but all I could think about were the starburst stashed in my closet. When It was two hours after lunch, so I'd be off obs, I scarfed a bunch of starburst and then barfed them. I felt better.
Afternoon snack hits: By now I've shut down completely and am ignoring people. I feel depressed. I want to binge. I want out of the house. I was bored out of my mind and just wanted to be able to go somewhere. We were suppose to go to the pet store after snack so after 30 min or so after snack I ask if were going. I get told we have to wait for someone to return who had a pass and we weren't going to the pet store. My roommate was mad because she was the one who wanted to go there. We bitched about the staff together and that wound me up more about how horrible it is to keep us locked up like this. This isn't the first time an outing got post poned or canceled all together. The girl returned from her pass so I ask again. A staff tells me "were trying to work it out" and I get furiously frustrated because I didn't understand what the big ordeal was. About 20 min later, while I'm laying in bed trying not to scream, a staff comes in and asks to talk to me.
She tries to do the whole do you want to talk think and were so concerned you've been shut down and isolative all day. I snapped at her "I don't know what's wrong .I just want out of this fucking house." In short, she told me she called my therapist there, he thinks it's best I don't go out, and they were afraid I'd hurt myself because I was walking off obs and was so angry. I lost it. I walked out on her and cried under my covers. I bit my hand twice as hard as I could (there's still marks 7 hours later). I got a safety pin and cut my leg under the tented blanket. Chantelle, a staff, comes in again to say something to me I can't remember. I yell at her, furious "WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I GO? THERE'S NO REASON. THIS IS BULLSHIT. THIS JUST MAKES ME WORSE WHEN YOU PUNISH LIKE THIS. FUCK YOU ASSHOLES" ect. My roommate comes in a little bit later and I come out of my hiding and ask her what the staff said to her. She, afraid and embarrased I assume, whispers that they have to go. As she pulls on her purse I ask her "all of us? or just you three" she says "just us", kind of shrugs, and walks out.
I cry more. I'm left alone with one staff and one patient. I decide I can't stay there anymore. I start to pack up my stuff and the one staff comes in and asks why i'm packing. I tell her to take a wild guess. I call my dad and he says he'll come right then.
The owner of the house and the one who admitted me was then called. She talked to me and asked what the problem was. I told her there rules don't work for me, this reward and punishment thing, and that it just makes me worse. It's the counter of what would help so the rule is stupid if it's unhelpful. She encourages me to stay another day so I can tell that to the treatment staff in their meeting tomorrow and I told her no because I've told my therapist and a hundred other staff there that already and it hasn't done shit. She goes on about being concerned and wanting me to find something outside of the program and please call me blah blah.
Before the other patients come back my dad is there. I say goodbye to the one patient there and we exchange numbers. I gave her a note to give to Greg tomorrow. The drive home was a blur. Just down the street I realized I made a huge mistake. I told myself quickly that it's not too late to turn around but I was too embaressed of the scene I already caused and didn't feel like I could.
I came home and got frozen yogurt with my dad. I ate some dinner and then the frozen yogurt and purged it. Then I went to the store and spent way too much money on junk. I ate till I was sick. I barfed till I got dizzy. Then I washed up and came on here to update.
I'm tired and I can't reflect on this day anymore. night.