not cut out to live. happy new year
2006-01-01, 12:08 a.m.

i was cooking food or bingeing when dr. kim got back to me this evening. i'm pissed at myself for not being available when he called since i wanted to talk to him so bad. things are so bad right now. the sadness is overwhelming. the depression is so deep and intense and scary. dr. kim's message was so nice. when i was listening to it it made me so so sad inside. it made me miss oceanaire and the familarility of it all and the security and how nice everyone was. it made me miss the comfort. i sent the girls there christmas gifts and a few staff members and dr. kim christmas gifts and he said they came today and he seemed really thankful. i made him marble magnents and he said they went on his refridgerator today. that made me happy. it also made me so sad. i miss them all. i hate things at home so much right now. i hate how i have no future and how i don't know what the fuck i'm going to do with my life. i don't know how i'm going to get better or if i want to get better. i'm just so unhappy and i have no energy to do anything or to do the things i want to do.
i think about suicide again. i'm researching suicide and methods and it seems so possible because life feels so overwhelming. it feels like in order to make life bearable i'd need to go to school and get a job and clean my room and move out and take a shower everyday and pluck my eyebrows and get my teeth fixed and wear makeup and find a boyfriend and go outside so i can make some friends and get new clothes and become more sociable and it's all too overwhelming to think about how to make life normal and how to be happy. i just can't do it. i'm not cut out. i don't have the strength.