2006-04-05, 9:19 p.m.

I feel like utter shit. My head is pounding and my body feels like lead. My irrtational side says, "Oh, I wonder what's going on" but I know it's because I'm hardly keeping anything down and puking my guts out.
I've finally got back down to double digits. My next goal is 90. Then we'll see from there.
Yesterday I saw Julio. The appt was good. We talked about St. Josephs and my dilemma there. He is encouraging me to go inpatient.
Today at St. Josephs we talked about how motivated we are to recover and if were not motivated, why were there. That topic totally hit the nail on the head for me. I tried to be honest and describe where i'm at and my struggles, but I seemed just to frustrate them. Rita and another patient openly told me they were frustrated with me. I didn't know what else to do because if I put out where I am honestly and I get a negative response - i don't know what to do with that. All I can do is be honest with my feelings and where I'm at. In response, I got a little frustrated because like they could've been a little more understanding rather than critical.
I don't know. I'm really exhausted from turning treatment pros and cons over in my head.