I know not who I am.
2006-07-29, 4:53 a.m.

I took 3 adderall's today. I took the first and felt nothing. I took the second and felt something. I took the third because I didn't want the feeling to go away.
I have been emailing to a couple off CL about meeting up and seeing if we click. they mentioned something about and are looking for new friends friends. today we decided to meet up at dave and busters. the whole time i thought i was corresponding with the female of the couple, but i found out when we met up that it was actually the male. we had a good time at dave and busters and he was easy to talk to. Later, an old childhood friend Jason came over. Of course he put the moves on me (not saying that all guys are all over me - but lately i feel taken advantage of) and even though i had no interest, i felt almost an obligation to play along. We didn't fuck which I'm so glad about.
Later, I met up with the dave and busters guy. I was peppy from adderall and ready to have a good time. We picked up some vodka and diet coke and took a few gulps before we went to a this music thing at a local college. It didn't take much for me to feel the reaction. We brought in a fountain drink of diet coke and vodka and continued to drink it through the night. the party had a terrible turn out but the few that were there were fun. the more i drank the more i loosened up. dave and busters guy, joe, and i danced. he pulled me closer and we danced quite ..freely... the more we drank the more touchy we got though kept it friendly. when the night was coming to an end, we went back to his car. we shared a piece of gum and he asked me how his breath was. i blew into my own hand to check and then he leaned in to let me smell his. then he kissed me. The evening was hot, we just spent the last couple hours dancing, and WE were getting hot. Maybe it was the alcohol, but the whole scenario was kinky in a fun way. I remember thinking, okay melissa, make sure you want to do this and the more time went by the more I wanted him. He said he'd call me tomorrow and I hope that's not just a line. I'm afraid I fucked up any possibility for us to have a good comfortable relationship. And maybe he doesn't even want a relationship. I'm not sure how I feel about this all. I feel empty and confused and lonely.
the happiness i felt while dancing with him has long left. i'm tired of trying to get meth to fill the void. i am tired of trying not to focus on my weight but meanwhile noticing the pounds i'm putting on. i'm just so fucking tired of trying to fix things on my own with no progress. I know I need IP but i also think i just need to live life. I need inpatient structure in an outpatient enviorment.
I feel like a giant fuck up.