2006-08-14, 9:46 p.m.
today was better. i mean, yesterday as soon as i walked up to my garage door i just started sobbing. i continued to cry until i got into the bath and calmed myself down. we ended up at the same park at the end of the evening as we did yesterday. certain points of our conversation made me want to cry again, but the feeling wasn't so overwhelming. but both times when he would hold me i'd squeeze him back so tight. i wanted to tell him to please never leave me. don't leave me tonight and never let me go.
there is no doubt in my mind that he has been genuine with his intentions. but sometimes i just want to tell him i don't want anyone else...no matter how good they are...and right now i can't imagine anything better than this. and if i'm so special and he cares so much..how could he give me away? maybe that is the reason he can give me away..he cares that much?
maybe tonight i'm just too exhausted to cry. or i'm feeling better about some things. i want this all to be okay and i want to feel okay and happy...right now its hard to imagine me being like that unless i were to allow myself to go into serious denial.
i really really like not being home. i use to need a lot of home alone time but now i see why people go out as often as they do...they found a reason and something better. my mom continues to get sicker. it seems like more recently she is getting worse faster. before it was slow back slide..almost where you didn't see it happening but would one day look back and see how much changed. but it seems like i can notice by the day right now. and it hurts for all the same reasons. not because she's getting worse and her future has no light...but because i got fucked, i don't have a mom (still! suprise suprise) but she is still in my home. julio and i both agree it would be easier if she was dead. that way it wouldn't be like she's here but not here.
i am so exhausted and looking foward to a nice heavy sleep.