2006-08-22, 12:50 a.m.
I feel like I've been smoking meth and have been up for days. And while I have been smoking way too much, I have been sleeping. Today was just such a long, long day.
The day was good until Dan the gay dealer asked if I could drive him and some of his friends for an order. If I did, I would get a share of the shit and since i'm nearly on empty with my supply, i agreed. However, I got that text while I was driving to see Joe. That afternoon and evening I got consistant texts and phone calls demanding me to pick them up. I wanted to see Joe so I kept telling them to hang on. Finally, around 730 and after multiple texts battering me, i was going to go get them. Before I took off, Joe and I talked. We talked about how if I continue to do this, i WILL get caught. Maybe not tonight, but he said nothing good happens after the sun goes down. He told me that he can tell i've been smoking because i didn't look as good and i was breaking out. He clarified that he wasn't lecturing me but tried to make me aware that this isn't recreational anymore. I was torn: I wanted to stay with Joe but I also know that when I get an opportunity to get shit, I need to jump on it. Sitting in his car I got so overwhelmed and frustrated. I put my head inbetween my knees and groaned in frustration. I only made it a half a mile down the street before I called Joe up, asked if he was busy, and made a u-turn.
Joe invited me over to his place. I've been there before but never when his girlfriend was there. seeing as how i was an emotional wreck this probably wasn't the best time to meet her but i needed company and joe says only the best for me...so i trusted him that it'd be okay. I kept getting lost and mixed up trying to get Joe's. I kept calling him and asking about directions while I knew he was trying to make some phone calls to the people he missed when with me. I wasn't sure if he was frustrated or I was making it up, but I started to feel like a pain in the ass. I felt frantic, wondering if i should turn around and go home or go pick up Dan after all. I got to his street and couldn't see if i passed his house. There was a car tailing me as i drove slowly to try to see. i all of a sudden felt things come crashing down. i tried to call joe to see if i passed his place and it went to striaght to voicemail. that's when i felt totally dumb and like a burden. i pulled over where i was infront of a fire hydrant and cried. i wanted to scream. joe called and i told him i was on his street having a nervous breakdown. he nicely told me where to go.
Joe has been teasing me about washing my car and my response is always "tomorow! i swear!" When I pulled into his driveway, he took out the hose and started to spray down my car. He had a bucket, a brush, and told me to wash. He went inside to change and took over the brush to give it some man power. I sat back holding the hose, not sure whether to cry or to smile. He was so great to me and so considerate the whole time.
I think I was too numb to get upset over meeting his girlfriend. I used the bathroom before i met her and had to have a mini breakdown and contain myself, but after that, i was okay. I felt sad and spacey the whole time but wasn't freaking out. On the drive home, i got teary eyed a couple times thinking about how i can't have what i want. Suddenly everything felt overwhelming again and i tried to tell myself joe isn't going anywhere and he's going to go through these things with me.
right now, i'm too overwhelmed and tired and emotionally all over the place to anaylze this further. bed. now.