2003-06-25, 10:30 p.m.
Today I brought tears to Julio's eyes when I told him I went to groups. He said he was so proud of me and so glad I am going. He said in his day and age of doing that(doing therapy) for so many years, being able to make him cry his rare. He pointed to his face and said "See, this is a shit eating grin."
We talked about how I'm in denial. I still have these moments where I'll want to try to talk to my mom or say something nice because I want a relationship with her. I think still in the back of my mind I don't fully believe that this is it. Julio said "you know that's huge, right?" that I want a relationship with her. Some days, I told him, I wake up and just think "Who are you and where is my mother?" he said of course you do, the mother daughter bond is such a key relationship but you still can have that relationship when you have a child yourself.
I told him I felt anxious and angry a lot lately. He asked at whom? I said myself, if that doesn't sound stupid. He asked why. Because I feel like a burdan to everyone. I don't want to exist. I don't feel like anyone cares. I feel unloveable. He said he cares. Edie cares (christie's mom). He counts. That made me smile that he said he cared.
We talked about a lot of things. I dunno.
He gave me a hug at the end. Reminded me a lot he was proud.
I see my psych tommorow. Should I tell him my prozac is working? why the hell not.