2004-01-20, 8:22 p.m.
So the long awaited appointment with Julio. Okay, here we go:
The whole staff was extra friendly to me before and after the appointment. I couldn't help to think it was because of the Christmas presents I gave the last time I saw them... :). Julio greeted me with "Happy new year to you..Happy new year to you..Happy new year Dear Melissa..happy new year to you."
I filled him in with recent and not so recent events, due to the long gap of seeing him. He also told me someone who has been reading this emailed him? Weird. He's going to foward it to me in the next couple days since he forget it. I let Julio know physical problems with myself and how I'm at the end of my rope. He brought up the usual group thing and asked if I've been going. As usual, I said no. I told him that I don't think that's enough. He asked why and I gave him reasons: I can't do it alone, it's just not enough, ect..ect. He said, well, the next step would be inpatient. I was silent for a long time. I asked him what that would look like and he described the program and the processes they take there. I shook my head vigoursly. He said he knew I'd be against that. He told me his goal for me this year is to work with him into taking baby steps into health.
I want to trust him. Inpatient doesn't feel right for me. I want to work with Julio. But that means I need to work. I asked him why he doesn't concern himself with my stats, my weight? He says he weighs me periodically. But, I said, my weight could change significantly between those weigh ins. He said he gives me a glance when I come in to make sure I look healthy and okay, not greatly damaging my body. I asked him though, what if it comes to that point? He said he'd trust me to tell him. Like, symptons and stuff. I said I wouldn't know. He said, truthfully, he wouldn't know either. But if I started to like, faint, have heart palpatations(sp?), blood in vomit, stuff like that, and it got to a certain point, he'd bring my dad in and tell him. I got real misty eyed and started to freak. I said you would have to do that at that point? "Well", he said, "I'd like you to tell him, but the area gets real gray. I wouldn't want to break that trust. But if you were in danger, i'd do anything to save your life. Like I'd do for anyone I care about." I thought that was really nice, but scary. so ya..but I guess he didn't notice my 7-8 lb weight loss. I wonder if I should've told him? He said it was was like when I use to cut. It didn't focus on the cutting because it wasn't directly about the cutting, that's why we didn't really talk about it much. I guess it makes sense. I'm not cutting anymore.
After all of that, we talked about different egos. Parent, adult, child. And how my "parent" ego is abusing my child ego. Because I'm really hard on myself and insult myself, I guess. And my parent ego has been influenced by my shit parents. He says my adult ego needs to be influence and retrain my parent ego or something. He also said if the way I treat myself was the way I treated a child, he'd have to report me for child abuse. Intense.
Overall, it was a good appointment. I was there for an hour and like, 15 minutes too! That flatters me because it makes me feel like he doesn't mind keeping me there. I got a hug at the end from Julio, the staff all made a point to say bye(one said bye to me out the door because he wasn't there when the rest were saying bye), and I got candy from the candy dish. I feel good.