2004-01-23, 8:30 p.m.
My lips are starting to crack and bleed. Which is ironic for I am an avid chapstick user. People make fun of me for how much carmex I put on. It's kind of a compulsion, my security blanket. I got a scare a couple days ago while purging. I took my hand away from my mouth to see massive amounts of blood. It was because the side of my mouth had cracked was bleeding. I guess it looked worse then it was, though, because it was mixed with salivia and vomit and all that good stuff.
Things are still really bad. I can't stop thinking about my appointment with Julio. Questions won't stop running through my head. "What if.."'s? and "What now?" and I'm just so damn tired. I wake up and cry because I can't face the day living with an eating disorder anymore. Looking to the evening knowing a binge and purge is ahead makes me burst into tears every morning. I sit in English trying to focus on the pages of Macbeth but all i can think is "how am i suppose to study this when my life is falling apart? When I'm suppose to figure out how to recover from an eating disorder that's ruined my life?"
i'm thinking of asking one of female youth leaders to come with me to a group meeting. i use to live with her and her husband, another youth leader, a couple years ago. I'm really close with the both of them. She made me a blanket for Christmas. If she came with me, I'd be able to go. I'm afraid she won't want to go though, or I'm afraid I'll commit to a day and regret it. I may ask her Sunday.
We'll see.