2004-04-19, 8:34 p.m.
Today I had registration at the junior college I'm going to go to. I drove myself and gave myself plenty of time to get there. But I couldn't find the damn building they wanted me to park behind and I got so frustated and lost I just turned around and went home. Today was my specific time and date for my orientation and counseling appointment and I blew it. I couldn't even find the place. I was so mad at myself that I couldn't do that one thing right. I suddenly became very, very tired on the way home. When I got home, I kicked off my shoes, crawled into my bed fully clothed, and fell into a troubled sleep. 20 min into my nap I wiggled my way out of my pants and took off my jacket. I was too hot to be in clothes and too angry at myself for missing my appointment. I should've been there while I was sleeping. I need to be registring for college, moving on with my life, growing up, but I was sleeping through it. I cried hot tears and fell back into sleep, exausted.
An hour later I woke up still exausted. I called the number for time and the lady on the automatic machine told me it was 3:24. I got up and put my pants back on. I made my way downstairs. I had 15 min till I had to leave till my doctors appointment. I really, really, didn't want to go and regretted making the stupid appointment. I grazed the kitchen eating grapes. Today I had a bowl of peas and grapes. Did good so far.
I went to the doctors, not getting lost for once, and sat in the waiting room reading an old fashion magazine. The guy next to me kept staring at me. I wondered if I should've brushed my hair or touched up my makeup before I left. Why was he staring at me? He asked me if today was the 19th. I said yes. He kept staring. They called my name and he kept staring as I went into the doctors office.
The nurse asked why I was there. "Uh..my leg. I don't know why I'm getting pain." I felt stupid. She asked if I could get up on the scale. I panicked. I was going to refuse to let them weigh me, but it seemed to stupid to put up a fight. "okay" I said. I tried to look away, but my eyes darted up at the sound of the sliding scales. She put the big weight at "50" without hesistation. Then she slid the other one around the 30's and 40's. It balanced at 90. I panicked. 90? 90? But I'm 83-85. How can it be 90. She took my height as I tried to figure it out in my head. okay..2-3 lbs for my shoes, a couple pounds for my pants, shirts, jacket..bladder and food i just ate? Maybe. I'm fat, fat fat.
After the nurse left, I seriously sat in that damn room waiting for my doctor for 25 min. Then I explained the pain and he seemed puzzled. I didn't tell him I'm bulimic or that it happens around when I'm bingeing and purging. He said it might be a disc out of place in my back or something. He perscribed some anti-flamatory shit, and steriod type pills. If the pain doesn't go away in 10 days or so, they want to take x-rays. After all of that, he talked to be about safe sex and STDs. Give me a break. He told me I should wait to have sex till marriage. Okay, Doc.
This evening I was making my binge food when my dad came in the kitchen. He saw it all and was just lingering in there. He was making me uncomfortable, just standing and watching. I flipped out and I said "You're making me uncomfortable, can you go away!" and he said "I'm waiting for my dinner to be ready." His dinner was in the oven, but it had 20 min. I told him that, that it had 20 min, and what, was he going to stand there for 20 min? Really, I was just embarresed for him to see so much food. It's so obvious that i'm bulimic it's pathetic that my dad odesn't say anything. Then after I had almost all of it up in my room, I just needed to bring my soup and grilled cheese sandwiches up(4 of them..sitting in the microwave to reheat), my sister came over. Shit shit shit. I slammed the microwave door shut so she wouldn't see. I was standing around making small talk but i really wanted her to leave so I could go upstairs to my food.
Eventually, I got bored of small talk and went up to my room. Later she knocked on my door and I went out of my room. I already had started to binge, but I chatted with her a bit. She was about to leave when she said "Dad said you had quite a bit of food in your room. You hardly ever eat infront of me. You pick at salads and stuff. How do you stay so skinnny?" Me: *shrug* *smile* "Well..as lond as you're not doing anything unhealthy. I know a lot of people who binge and then get rid of it. You don't do anything like that, do you?" "No." "You promise?" "I promise" "Promise promise?" "I promise!" "okay.." "it's just you hardly eat infront of me..and you stay so skinny..." "i dunno" "Okay. Well, just don't do anything dangerous." "okay."
Bleh. Everyone knows. I know everyone knows. my dad knows, my sistser knows, my friends know.
How much longer can i pretend I don't know they know?