2004-04-21, 8:11 p.m.
tommorow is my birthday.
and tonight i'm seriously considering running away.
everything is crumbeling.
the jig is up.
i want to make another appointment with julio, though i just saw him today.
i need to start living, go into treatment, or give up.
i'm too tired to put up this fight of pretending and lying and running when everyone knows.
maybe i should run for real. literally.
just steal some money from my parents, take some food, a blanket or two, a pillow, and hit the road.
sleep in my car for a few days, drive around, and clear my mind.
return when i got this figured out.
i dunno.
I can't stop thinking of ways to kill myself. Or what I'd do with my things. I'd be better of dead. I wake up in the morning and think "I can't handle another day."
I read an interesting quote. "A wise man lives as long as he ought to, not as long as he can."
I should just go into treatment. Just give in. I can't do this anymore. I can't scrounge for binge food anymore. I can't lie about being bulimic. I can't hide food. I can't listen to my dad say "How much are you going to eat? No one can eat that much!"
Can't. Can't.
I can't go into treatment.
I can't be alone in a hospital focusing on my recovery day in and day out.
I can't live anymore.
I don't know what to do. I just want to run away. Sleep all day. Get away from this all.
Should I call Julio? I just saw him today. Why didn't this come up today? What should I do? I don't see him till May 5th. I can't fight till May 5th.
What do I do. What do I do.
Run or stay?
Live or die?
Purge or starve?
Questions Questions.
Someone, anyone. Tell me.
In 4 hours I will be an adult and I can't figure out whether I want to to continue to breath or not. This is pathetic.