2004-08-06, 11:46 p.m.
My desktop computer has been broken for quite sometime now. My youth pastor knew about it, and thought he'd do me the favor of talking to the computer technician of the church to see if he'd look at it. It made me a little angry that he was trying to do me special favors; like he thought I was incapable of taking care of myself. I know my youth pastor just likes me and wants to help me, because my dad doesn't do shit for me, but I guess I get easily defensive. At any rate, offended or not, I wasn't going to pass up the opportunity to get my computer fixed for free.
I lugged my computer to church and explained the problem in short to the guy. He took it, and I was relieved to know I might not be restricted to my laptop anymore. After he left, I sat in my youth pastor's office uncomfortably. Should I stay or should I go? I took my keys out of my purse and said "Well..." signaling I was leaving. My youth pastor launched into chit chat mode, but I thought he was just doing that to be polite. But everytime we finished a topic, and I tried to leave, he'd cut me off and start saying something else. He then said "Is everything okay? Can I do anything for you?" I stared at him before saying "Everythings fine. No."
A few months ago or so, when my youth pastor and I got in a huge fight, resulting in the locking of my diary, I bought him a plant to apologize. The plant was suppose to be like "start over in the growth of our friendship" type thing. It was cheesey, but I felt pretty bad for yelling "fuck you" at him. At any rate, when I kept trying to leave, he brought up "our" plant. He showed me how it wasn't really growing. I suggested we plant something else. That resulted in discussing what kind of plants, where to get it, ect. In the end, he gave me 5 dollars to pick up a nursery green pepper plant.
Giving money to a bulimic is not a good idea.
I had every intention of going to buy that plant right after I left, but I decided to do some shopping before hand. For my planned binge for this evening, I needed hamburger buns and diet coke. I checked my wallet, I had 2 dollars, and the five he gave me. Shit. That won't be enough. What if's ran through my head. What if I use his money, then get money from my dad, and then buy the plant tommorow. Or just use a little of the money, and go to target right afterwards...a plant can't be that much. Ya. Perfect. I'll just use like, a dollar of his five. No biggy. Just spend 3 dollars.
As I went into the store, I chanted 3 dollars, 3 dollars. Don't spend more than 3 dollars. I went to the bread aisle and found hamburger buns on sale for 2 dollars. Perfect. I went to the coke aisle and got 79cent Diet Pepsi. Score. Okay, leave. But then the discount bakery caught my eye. Just a peak...I thought. I strolled over, feeling embarresed. I always hate being seen looked, like I am to cheap to buy the real stuff, looking at old cupcakes and stuff. I saw yummy looking soft rolls. That'd go so good with some soup. Only 1.19! But I shouldn't. Hell, I can get the money from my dad tommorow. I picked that up and walked to checkout, pass the chip and cookie aisle. Automatically, I eyed it. The markdowns were in red, and I looked for them. Mmm..iced oatmeal cookies. Fuck. Fuck. I want them. I needed them. I have to have them. Now.
All of a sudden I was in my car, cookies, rolls, hamburger buns, coke. All I had left was 1.75. I spent nearly all of my youth pastor's money for "our" plant. After he did this great favor me, and he just wanted to get a plant to share with me, and I spent it on food to throw up.
Tears burned my eyes as I drove home.
At home, it was 3:30, and since I was so busy with computer and buying food, I still hadn't ate today. I got my book and a bowl of peas. I layed out in the backyard and read. I ate my peas, one by one, biting the skin with my front teeth, then eating the insides. An hour later, I was still eating them. My lips hurt from the salt, and I chugged crystal lite.
Bored, I considered what I planned to binge for that evening. I had a lot of cookies and chips for my "dessert" but I really craved icecream. I only had about 1.75. I remembered Haggan Daz was on sale at Vons for 2.50 but I really, really shouldn't spend the rest of my YP money. I need to buy a plant and my binge food tommorow. PLus, where am I going to get 75 cents. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted icecream. I needed icecream. So I started to search the house. I searched the couch. I searched my brother's and dad's dirty pants in the laundry basket (so nasty), I searched drawers, all my purses I wasn't using, everywhere change might be. In the end, I was 25 bloody cents short. Defeated, I waited for people to come home. My parents came home, then my brother. Then my parents went to dinner, and my brother planned to go somewhere. Sheepishly, I asked to borrow a dollar. He gave it over, without looking at me. He asked where I was going, I said "Church", without thinking. That seemed to please him.
I came home with my icecream to an empty house. That was exciting. I made my binge food in peace.
But now I'm broke as hell. On Sunday, my youth pastor expects a plant, and tommorow my friend wants to hang out. I can't avoid her because I made exusces two days in a row. My car has no gas, and I have no gas money. Even if I got money I wouldn't want to get gas because I'd want to spend it on food.
I don't want to do this anymore.
This life.