2004-08-10, 1:54 a.m.
I feel like I'm cracking up.
This morning I couldn't find my keys and I started to sob and shake on my bed. I wanted to hit my body against something. I had the urge to hurt myself. I couldn't stop sobbing.
My dad calls me stupid and I lose it.
I can't get my computer to work and I'm in the bathroom with the box of tissues.
I realize I still have a week till Julio gets back and I don't move for an hour.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I'd say it was PMS but I haven't had my period for more the 6 months. I hope you still can have the symptons of your period because I've gained weight and I'm breaking out and I'd love to be able to blame it on something other than my poor hygiene and bad diet. But the thing is, I'm eating hardly anything. I've cut down my food intake during the day more and more. It's like I can't stop the weight gain. I'm blowing up. Meh.
Saturday night I got in a fight with my dad becausen the kitchen wasn't clean and I wanted money for gas. Later that evening, he apologized for yelling at me and told me loved me. I felt like shit. Sunday morning, my tank was completely full - 30.00 in my gas guzzler. I got in my car to go church and I start to sob when I saw the needle pointing past "F". I don't deserve it. I blow his money on binge food that goes literally down the toilet on a daily basis.
I bought 20 dollar truffles on ebay with his money.
I'm ruled by money.
When I went to Church that morning, I had one goal - to get money from my youth pastor's office, and go home. I had no desire to go to the service. Infact, I skipped it. I sat on the playground swings and read. After the service, I hung out in my YP office hoping for the opportunity to get my sticky fingers into his desk where I knew he kept some money. Unfortuantly, he was in there, with too many kids. I left, defeated. But he wanted me to come back 2 hours later. So I did. I went home, washed my car, and came back at 12:30. We were in and out of his office, mostly infront of it. Everytime i walked into his office, trying to look for opportunities, it was like he was suspicious of my activty because he followed. I told myself I was being paranoid but I couldn't get alone in his office. When we were done planting our plant, I hung around a few more minutes, wishing and hoping. I knew had had to work, so I finally gave up and said goodbye. As I walked to my car, I saw him head over to the Sanctuary. His office door was wide open. I stuck my purse in my car and booked it to his office. It was very, very risky. I scrambled to his desk and took out 10 dollars, and I shuffled to my car. My flip flops were noisey and I practiced exusces in my head why I had to go back to his office.
The pathetic thing is, when I didn't get caught, all I could think about on the way out was "I should've taken more."
Then I bought binge food and went home exausted.
I don't even recognize myself anymore. It's like I have no personality. Nothing like who I use to be. I am food. I am get money. Get food. Prepare food.I am barf. I am weight. I am crying. I am the same.
I am nothing.
Empty.
I don't recognize myself anymore. I ha